It was inevitable that we'd find this drug. We're anxious. We're weak.
Named for Jean Nicot, the 16th-century French ambassador who introduced it to France, nicotine was thought to be medicinally advantageous. Even 10 years ago a group of researchers, funded by Philip Morris, released a study that pointed to nicotine's preventative effects on Alzheimer's. It was later determined inconclusive, even harmful in relation to the degenerative illness. Of course. But we keep trying to justify it. Somehow.
I sit on my balcony and gaze across the parking lot, at the plants, at the sky. If it weren't for smoking, I'd never get outdoors. Lord knows I don't want my apartment resembling my filthy lungs and my stinky fingers. I certainly can't be reminded of this disgusting habit while washing dishes or watching TV and I definitely don't want to know its effects while I'm eating.
When I used to smoke, really smoke (by the fistful), I never cared about the "after-stench" because I didn't know it existed. Then I quit smoking. Along with the flaming temper and horrendous appetite due to withdrawal came the awareness of the aromatic residue that attaches to your home, your car and your body.
But now, when I'm on my cigarette binges, I contain this odor. I wash my hands of it and tell no one. The secret hides in my kitchen drawer and with my on-again, off-again relationship with the clerk at 7-Eleven.
It's unbelievable how it takes control. You may be ready to leave it, but it isn't ready to leave you. It rips you away from what you'll soon cherish: breathing. Nearly every serious smoker wants to quit. But nicotine has you begging for more and like an unhealthy relationship, it forces you to compromise, to make weird deals until you're screaming "Damn you!" into the garbage can while you dig out the broken cigarettes and piece them back together. The subsequent reunion is magnificent. With every inhale it says to your body: "I'm here. I'm back. You're safe. We're all safe. Everything is going to be okay."
It's a relief that only a smoker understands.
I depend on you for my happiness and satisfaction. But you're killing me.