VIDEO GAMES: This is Not Columbine

Dumped by neglectful parents in Bulworth Academy, 15-year-old Jimmy finds himself thrust into a world of supercliques, including dumb jocks, snobbish preppies and nerds so geeky, they could only be the product of years of inbreeding amongst Trekkies. Since Jimmy (mercifully) doesn't fit into any of those rigid categories, he finds himself bullied from all sides, with only his fists and his slingshot to protect him. The game's violence never transcends the realm of simple mischief, making this virtual high school a safer place for kids to spend their time than the real thing.

DESTROY ALL HUMANS! 2 BY THQ (3 stars)
Platforms: PlayStation 2, Xbox.
Rated: T.

With its mediocre graphics, unimaginative level design, and frequently bland rural areas, the first Destroy All Humans! had only one saving grace: hilarious and wanton destruction. This sequel offers more of the same, but it's really beginning to feel like more of the same. There are only so many cows you can levitate, buildings you can incinerate and anal probes you can fire up people's behinds before it feels like it's time to move on to the next solar system.

THE SIMS 2: PETS BY ELECTRONIC ARTS (3 stars)
Platforms: PlayStation 2, Xbox.
Rated: T.

If managing your own bowel movements in the world of The Sims has never been challenging enough, then try managing those of a pet as well! Pets combines the meticulous micromanagement of The Sims franchise with the unbearable cuteness of Nintendogs by adding adorable (and dress-able) dogs and cats to your routine. So if that's your idea of fun, this is the most user-friendly Sims game released on a console to date.

FAMILY GUY BY 2K GAMES (2 stars)
Platforms: PlayStation 2, Xbox.
Rated: M.

This reminds me of the time the X-Men's Wolverine gave me a back massage in a tub of lemonade. Boy, that stung. The fast-paced, random humor of Family Guy works for some people and not for others, but it definitely doesn't work in a video game. Repetitive mini-games stand in for the show's celebrated flashbacks, with poor controls and overused dialogue. It's worse than that time when ... aw, screw it.