POPPED: Bad Ballads

A quick scan of some recent offerings bears this out. Chris Brown's "Say Goodbye" (rating: 2.0), recently No. 1 on the R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart, is by no means terrible—it's moderately catchy, and Brown is a decent enough vocalist—but the best I can think to say about it is that it is agreeably sappy; it isn't lame, and it isn't brutal (talk about setting the bar high!). No, lame would be Ruben Studdard's "Change Me" (1.5), a turgidly written, blandly arranged tune with the minor saving grace of one funny line ("Would you like it if I talked about your butt?"). Brutal, on the other hand, would be Christina Aguilera's "Hurt" (1.5), which is lovely for about 40 seconds—that is, until she starts reaching for Mount Everest and inadvertently alters the meaning of her title from an adjective to a threat. Not scared off yet? Perhaps the merely perfunctory is more up your alley, in which case Mary J. Blige's "Take Me As I Am" (1.5) should do the trick. Herein, the R&B songstress, after singing in the third person about the many travails of a certain "she," finally reveals all by informing the listener that "she is me." Wow—who'd have guessed? (I once upon a time had a soft spot for Blige, but enough already. You've been hard done by; we get it.)

And yet, even in a milieu as locked down as this, every so often a brave exception manages to slide under the door. Last month I noted how great Rihanna's "Unfaithful" is—it sounds even better this month—and now, a gorgeously obsessive-sounding ballad from Ciara called "Promise" (4.0) is slow-burning up the charts.

On one level, "Promise" is little more than accomplished craftsmanship. Unlike Ciara's brilliant 2005 hit, "Oh," it's not instantly hooky, and were you to strip away its many effects—the cavernous Prince beat, the burbling synthesizers, the vocoderized backup vocals—there wouldn't be a hell of a lot there aside from Ciara cooing away oh-so-seductively about God knows what. But that's a useless hypothesis: mood, texture, vocals—it is precisely these elements that make the song so great, and the truth is, the sound of "Promise" alone renders all those aforementioned 1.5s and 2.0s puny in comparison. Not really the sort of song you hum along to, more like the sort of song you crawl inside of to escape from the cold. In other words, you now know where to find me in December.

BONUS BEATS: WHITE DOPES ON DISCO Girls Aloud are a British TV-to-pop-chart sensation (winners of the 2002 reality-show contest, Popstars), and in North America they have firmly meant squat. Their newest single, "Something Kinda Oooh" (3.5), won't likely alter their fortunes on this side of the fence, but although these robo-babes are a little blank vocally, there's no denying that they make incredibly exciting recordings. Imagine Giorgio Moroder enlisting Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones for a studio session in 1978 and you'll have some idea of the terrain mapped by "Something." ... Also from the U.K., and with a marginally better chance of crossing over stateside, is Hot Chip, a decidedly boy-ish alt-rock outfit who, in "Over and Over" (3.0), lock into a dance groove that is clunky, hesitant, lacking in finesse, and weirdly hypnotic. Twenty listens in, however, I have no clue what they're spelling in the bridge (they lose me completely after "K-i-s-s-i-n-g"). ... Straight outta Sydney, Australia, there's Van She's "Kelly" (3.5), not exactly "new," but among the year's more ecstatic entries in white-boy disco, for whatever that's worth. Forget the original version of "Kelly," though—what you need is the Alan Braxe & Fred Falke remix, which replaces the group's Cars-like guitar rhythm with a frosty, Germanic pulse-beat, replete with organ echoes from The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" (Pete Townshend as the inventor of minimal house? Who knew?). ... Finally, a California foursome with the dumb name Hellogoodbye is described on various websites as emo, but "Here in Your Arms" (3.0) is frothy vocoder dance-pop, all wide-eyed smiles and no discernible angst. Call it a meeting of the minds between Daft Punk and the Brady Bunch.