Foreigners are so funny! Look, there’s Jack Straw, lord chancellor of Great Britain, dressed up like an extra from Dangerous Liaisons, kowtowing before the queen at the state opening of Parliament and—get this—walking backward lest he commit the unforgivable sin of turning his back on her majesty. Stupid foreigners.
Then there’s the Spanish. What a bunch of idiots. Commenting on the news that the Spanish government is offering families $3,640 for every child they birth or adopt, the satirical magazine El Jueves put a cartoon on its cover showing Crown Prince Felipe shagging his wife Princess Letizia doggy-style while saying: “Do you realize if you get pregnant, this will be the closest thing to real work I’ve ever done?”
Not only true but also funny, right? Especially when seen in the broader historical context of the fact that Europe’s hideously inbred royals have always regarded sex and marriage as commercial transactions, and women as nothing more than disposable breeding stock.
A Spanish judge ordered the magazine removed from the racks, and the cartoonists were put on trial, found guilty of having “vilified the crown in the most gratuitous and unnecessary way” and fined $4,370 each.
Hey, has anyone in Spain got the right time? Like to the nearest century? Have you guys even heard of free speech? Stupid, stupid foreigners.
Makes you glad to be American, doesn’t it? Damn straight. So can anyone explain American Princess to me? It’s a reality-TV show that takes young salt-of-the-earth American women and tries to turn them into effete, simpering, brain-dead clones of that hideous tapeworm in human form, Diana, the late Princess of Wales (recently brilliantly and accurately described by Australian uber-feminist Germaine Greer as a “devious moron”).
Why? And why all the movies that arselick and fetishize aristocrats? Not to mention the way we brainwash our daughters into becoming consumer slaves of the billion-dollar princess industry. Or the ridiculous Renaissance Faire phenomenon, with its nauseating nostalgia for the prerevolutionary dictatorship of the inbred. Or the whole role-playing craze (as seen in the recently released documentary Darkon) that’s persuaded America’s thousands of Dungeons & Dragons fanatics to leave their dank cellars and strut around the countryside clad in armor and waving edged weapons, bellowing mock-Shakespeare while pretending to be kings and princes.
And what about the way we as a nation idolize and hero-worship the rich—despite the fact that the vast majority of them are as idle, undeserving, parasitic and reactionary as the very worst European aristos?
Admit it. Deep down we all know the revolution was a mistake. America is screaming out for a monarchy. And yes—if you insist—I will be your king.