Local
Partying like it’s 1999
Lawmakers in Carson City were optimistic that the Legislature would reach closure today, which would mark the first time in eight years that it concluded be the 120-day limit mandated by the state constitution. State Minority Leader Dina Titus said in today’s “Review-Journal,” "At this point I think we can finish on time. There are not a lot of hostages. Everything has been agreed on." So what allowed this legislative session to finish on time? Well, imagine having spent 120 days working with Jim Gibbons and the other political yahoos up there. Couple that with the recent release from jail of Dr. Jack Kevorkian, and there’s your answer. I’m sure at least a few assemblymen and senators feel like placing a call to Dr. Jack.
National
Democratic debate continues backstage
The televised debate between Democratic presidential hopefuls provided some colorful moments Sunday -- as well as way too much talk about former President Bill Clinton. But our sources have informed us that the best material was not what was aired on your screens. We have been told that after the debate there were some heated clashes between the candidates, who had been forced to share a single “green room” as the others were being used to store an oversupply of “Larry King Rocks My World” T-shirts. Our moles tell us that things got so crazy that, at one point, Wolf Blitzer tore off his shirt and screamed, “I used to wrestle rabid monkeys in a sideshow, and if you don’t calm down I’ll make a comeback!” LasVegasWeekly.com has long had a question mark over the name “Wolf,” and this might go some way to explaining it.
International
Clash of the tiny titans
Yet-to-be-confirmed news has been leaked to us that Luxembourg has challenged Rhode Island to a war. Apparently, Luxembourg is not aware that Rhode Island is not actually a county. However, speaking on condition of anonymity, a leading figure in the notorious Providence, R.I., underworld did have this to say: “We don’t care nuttin’ about dis country-state ting. We’ll take dem burgers on.” LasVegasWeekly.com has its research department trying to locate the appropriate translator to tell us exactly what this means.
Sports
“Bedroom injury” plummets The Rocket
Roger Clemens’ much-vaunted return to baseball with the New York Yankees has been put on hold. Apparently, El Rocketorio is suffering from “groin fatigue.” Baseball pundits nationwide are puzzled by what exactly this is. The LasVegasWeekly.com sports medicine team hopped to work when the news hit and has informed us that this type of “injury” is often suffered by people in other professions. Sex workers, for example. Hence, it is apparently referred to as a “bedroom injury” in some quarters. It is not our job as a news outlet of integrity to speculate on the actual cause of Mr. Clemens’ ailment. However, we are prepared to suggest that he may indeed qualify for two very different Halls of Fame when his illustrious career on the diamond -- and other possible places -- finally does come to a close.