Local
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Former Clark County Commissioner Lynette Boggs McDonald was charged on Monday with lying in her campaign paperwork about where she lived and about paying a nanny from campaign coffers. According to the story in the “Review-Journal,” she faces four felony counts -- two each of perjury and filing false or forged documents. "Nevada law requires people to be truthful in their filings," District Attorney David Roger said. This morning, LasVegasWeekly.com has learned that Boggs McDonald’s lawyer, Bill Terry, will file a countersuit alleging that the D.A. was, in fact, lying about the lawsuit. “He’s such a liar, that guy. We’re not gonna take his lying, um, lying down.” The suit will charge Roger of “false claims of requirements of truth.” We here at LasVegasWeekly.com believe that … wait, here’s a late development in the story. LasVegasWeekly.com has just been charged with lying about the former commissioner’s lawyer lying about the D.A. lying about the charges that the former commissioner was lying about where she lived. For our official statement, we simply quote Jack Nicholson. “You can’t handle the truth!”
National
Good news from the Land of the Really Big Idiots
Here at LasVegasWeekly.com we’re all breathing a huge sigh of relief. Like every mammal on the planet, we caught the news that Paris Hilton’s attorney, a Mr. Something-or-other, has declared that Ms. Sleepy Eye “was doing well after spending her first night in solitary confinement at a Los Angeles County jail.” Now maybe we can get some rest, too. Of our in-house news corps (roughly 150 people), 87 called in sick or came in late Monday morning complaining of “Paris Hilton concern fatigue.” But when we got the good news that she’d come through the night okay, we all felt completely rejuvenated. We inflated the balloons and partied hard before getting back to our typewriters and doing what we do best.
Editor’s note: The above story will now be filed in the archives alongside other near-miss articles such as “Bill Clinton declares he’s a virgin,” and our infamous financial report: “Money going out of style.”
International
Ground Control to Major Tom
The Australian, a major national newspaper in Australia, is reporting that “Ziggy Switkowski, chairman of the Howard Government’s inquiry into nuclear power, last night backed the [opposition] Labor Party’s target of reducing carbon gas emissions by 60 per cent by 2050.” Now, here’s a guy who not only shows his devotion to his favorite rock star by lugging around the world’s goofiest moniker, but he also has the good sense to know that carbon gas emissions are, well, bad for you. Unfortunately, where Mr. Swiz … Mr. Swetk … where Ziggy falls down is in the math department. According to the scientists we’ve e-mailed on the matter, carbon gas emissions worldwide would have to be reduced by approximately 3,000 percent in the next five minutes for any of us to have a chance in hell of making it to the year 2025. But still, the name thing kind of gets us in.
Sports
Daffy would be proud … but we ain’t!
The Anaheim Ducks are just one win away from their first-ever Stanley Cup. (We’re talking hockey here. The game on ice. With sticks. Guys with no teeth.) That might be great news for a county of rich people living in the shadow of Disneyland, but at LasVegasWeekly.com we regard it as a blight on the fine sport of hockey. (You know: they have a “puck”; they try to whack it past goalies.) How can a nation prepared to stomp on the throat of any country that even metaphorically offers a dirty look have a national champion in anything called the Ducks? We’re galled and appalled. Game 5 will be played in Anaheim on Wednesday night. Now, if somehow the game should be abandoned because the ice was sabotaged with pick axes, or the entire Ducks squad got clipped in East L.A. because someone sent their bus driver bad Mapquest directions, rest assured, you’ll hear about it here first. But that doesn’t mean we had anything to do with it … as far as you know.