Local
Working overtime makes lawmakers feel “special”
For the fourth consecutive legislative session, lawmakers in Carson City were unable to complete their workload within the constitutionally mandated 120-day timeframe they are allotted. This forced Gov. Jim Gibbons to call for a “special session,” which really isn’t so special at all – it’s just a way of bailing out the elected folks who never seem to do anything on time. It should have just been called “special evening,” though, as legislators needed only one extra day to finish up matters and close the 2007 Legislature (which makes us at LasVegasWeekly.com why they couldn’t do their 121-day workload in 120, but anyway … ). We’re going to apply a similar philosophy here at No B-S News. If you wake up one day and don’t see a news report online, it’s not because our staff was hung over from an all-nighter – we’re just taking our sweet time because we know we can always call a special session later in the day and take care of it then.
National
“Scooter” rides into the Big House
Yesterday we brought you a story from Australia about a politician named Ziggy. Seems we’re on a theme roll here. Our very favorite crook-with-a-ridiculous-name, “Scooter” Libby, is going directly to jail for hindering the investigation into the exposure of a CIA operative. Three cheers for our clown-nose of a legal system. But wait, that’s not even the best part. The Associated Press reports that, “Among Libby’s supporting letter writers were former Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld; Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.” Our sources tell us that at his appeal hearing, Scooter Boy will get character references from Charles Manson, the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, and the dude from “Eraserhead.” Frankly, we like his chances better in round two.
International
Yet another heads-of-state grudge match
Hot on the heels of President Bush’s antagonism of his Russkie bud Vladimir Putin, we see that the lowest tabloid of them all, London’s Mirror, is reporting that Brit Prime Minister Tony Blair will challenge President Putin at the G8 summit over the Russian leader’s threat to target Europe with nuclear weapons. Blair, who rose to fame as Bush’s favorite lapdog and diplomatic wimp, swears he’s ready to huff and puff and blow the Kremlin down. “I’m not concerned with Mr. Putin’s reputation as a former military tough guy,” said the PM. “I’m prepared to call on all the skills I garnered in dodgeball back in my private school days. And I hasten to add, I shall be aiming directly for his gonads.” Mr. Blair then retired to his croquet lawn where he enjoyed hot tea and scones with jam and fresh cream. Meanwhile, in Moscow, Putin was winning a swag of rubles on a bet that he couldn’t eat a hundred nails.
Sports
That ain’t no big deal!
The rookie journos that ESPN lets run rampant on their Web site have an interesting feature piece on San Diego’s star running back, LaDainian Tomlinson. It reads, in part, “No running back in NFL history scored 100 touchdowns faster than LaDainian Tomlinson. Coming off his best season yet, LT is poised to leave more prints on the record books.” Sure, this is news. Kinda. But our know-every-detail sports department here at LasVegasWeekly.com is quietly sniggering in their Gatorade and vodkas. It seems that they are aware of a far greater touchdown feet than Mr. Tomlinson’s. Apparently, in 1934, 14-year-old Snookie Henderson of Cradle Cottage High School in the now-gone town of Ant Hill, Miss., (they ploughed the joint down in the ’50s to make a farm for abused sheep), ran in 100 touchdowns in just three games. After searching through miles of microfilm, our guys found a story on the feat, in which Henderson was quoted as saying, “Ain’t nothin’. A hundred touchdowns? Ain’t nothin’. Dodgin’ them pigs that got on the field in the second game was tha hardest part.” We tried to reach Mr. Tomlinson for comment but he did not return our phone calls. Guess somebody’s itty bitty feelings got hurt.