Wish it were cauliflower. Or tree bark. Instead, my impulsiveness handed me over to Sour Patch Extreme Soft & Chewy Candy, featuring “two super sour flavors in one*.” The asterisk notes: “Flavor assortment may vary,” which must be a testament to manufacturing malfunctions, because it’s not like the painfully, puckeringly powerful goo gems are subject to the imperfections of some soil-fingered farmhand who mistakenly plops neon orange-blue raspberries in the crystal sour-apple strawberry baskets. No matter, it’s all sickeningly sour, sickeningly good. –Stacy J. Willis
Dear Food and Drug Administration: Please add Hostess cherry pies to the food pyramid. Without these delightful treats, I wouldn’t get my recommended daily allowance of fruits. Sincerely, a taxpaying citizen. –Damon Hodge
Steak and eggs, from PT’s Pub. The manliest meal I can think of; available—and delicious (editor’s note: Asked what he meant by “delicious,” the writer responded, “It’s steak. And eggs. Man food. Have you checked yourself for testicles lately?”)—at any hour. –Joshua Longobardy