Local

Lights? Surveillance cameras? Action!

A headline in today’s “Review Journal” had us a little confused at first. It reads: “Action keeps Las Vegas casino open.” In our view, if casinos didn’t get any action, they’d all close eventually. However, upon further review we learned that it wasn’t the action of gamblers that aided the Monte Lago casino at Lake Las Vegas – it was the action of the Gaming Control Board and the Nevada Gaming Commission. According to the R-J, the governing bodies held an emergency session and unanimously agreed to let two of the principals in Las Vegas-based PDS Gaming take over the 40,000-square-foot casino. Gaming sources said losses at the casino totaled some $50 million since the property opened in 2003. Perhaps they should change their policy that their dealers must hit on 20 and that every number except snake eyes is a winner on the craps table. Just a thought.

National

Thank you sir, may I have another?

A new report has ranked the 50 states and the District of Columbia (which apparently is begging for another civil war to force it to become a state), in the extent to which they discipline their doctors. Public Citizens' Health Research Group reported that, in terms of the disciplinary rates of its quacks, Alaska leads the field. “It’s totally unfair,” said Dr. Jonathan Teale, of Anchorage. “I mean, this is Alaska. I’m the only freakin’ doctor here and they haul me down to the medical board twice a week for a spanking so they can win this damn national ranking. It’s absurd. And it’s kind of spoiling my wife’s playtime a bit. She’s totally pissed.” In a related story, Dr. Joel Fleischman has been reassigned to the Land of the Midnight Sun in a bid to ease the burden on Dr. Teale’s posterior. His agent was unavailable for comment.

International

Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?

Word out of Tijuana, Mexico, is that tensions between city and state police have reached a fevered pitch. The division, which is along political lines, has made life easier on crims in the city of 1.5 million people. It’s also made it trickier for ordinary citizens. “Just the other day, I was trying to cross the street,” explained 88-year-old Maria Mendez. “A state policeman took one arm and wanted to assist me. A city policeman took my other arm and insisted the he help me across the street. Neither one would let go and now I’m recovering from two dislocated shoulders.” Meanwhile, not to be outdone, the army has declared war on the air force, the navy has declared war on the marines, and the taco vendors have declared war on the guys selling sombreros to tourists.

Gossip

We know the feeling … not!

TMZ -- we don’t know who they are either -- is reporting that “Fantastic Four” star Jessica Alba blew a tidy $4,300 on a recent clothes shopping binge in Beverly Hills. Ah yes, we at LasVegasWeekly.com remember when we were just 26 and would drop a few grand on new threads every few weeks. But we shouldn’t be so cynical. Alba, a seasoned shopper, actually got pretty good value for money. “Hey, look,” she cooed outside one Rodeo Drive store. “I got this totally awesome plain white tee for just $300! Isn’t it cute? And these ripped jeans? Nope, not $1,000, but a total steal at $599. That’s less than $600!” But seriously, folks, if this story makes you want to barf your tacos as badly as it does us, send your cards, letters, emails and carrier pigeons to this brat and let her know what you think. And if that doesn’t work, we’re going to petition the Betty Ford Clinic to build a new wing to accommodate people like this. Of course, they’ll probably insist on $10,000 drapes, but at least we’re trying here.