Judging books by their covers |
Turns out, it's easier than it looks
The Children of Hurin
J.R.R. Tolkien
One glance and you know this is a tale of clashing civilizations, imperiled heroes and bad people using evil magic, all set in a mythical land. Clearly the basis for Bush administration foreign policy.
I Heard That Song Before
Mary Higgins Clark
A woman flees through a slightly blurry English garden, menacing topiary all around. Actually, this is the basis for Bush administration foreign policy.
Einstein: His Life and Universe
Walter Issacson
If he's so damn smart, what's with the silly hair?
Where Have All the Leaders Gone?
Lee Iacocca
If he's so damn smart, where's his cool Einstein hair?
Annals of human creativity! |
Excerpts from www.idea-a-day.com, to which ordinary people submit potentially life-altering ideas
Finally, someone willing to stop talking about childhood obesity and do something about it!
Idea: Create a website that displays the locations of ice-cream trucks in real time ... and then kids would know when to go out to the street for ice cream in summer. (Submitted by Max)
Special British formula pending
Idea: Manufacture toothpaste that changes color when the teeth are properly clean. (Submitted by Laurence Gilardone)
They can create art!
Idea: Display smashed-up cars on white pedestals on the side of the highway as a reminder of what can happen when people drive dangerously. (Submitted by Nick Couch)
Also handy for attempted Wendy's extortion plots
Idea: Manufacure a rubber finger which can be placed on a key ring to be used by germophobes on ATMs and public phones. (Submitted by Cameron)
Roger Ebert is hanging on for this very reason
Idea:
Price movie tickets, books and CDs according to reviews of professional critics. The worse the review, the cheaper the price. The cheaper the price, the more incentive for the industries involved to try harder next time. (Submitted by Amar Kumar)
Weekly DVD corner |
Where discs hit the fan
Illegal Aliens ($19.95, 1 star) If life were fair, the news directors and reporters who provided viewers with hysterical overcoverage of the travails of Anna Nicole Smith would be forced to sit through repeated showings of Illegal Aliens. Then they would be asked to craft an apology, admitting the notorious heiress was neither an actress nor a person worthy of more than passing interest to the media. If they refused, they would be forced to watch Illegal Aliens—in which Smith played a blond bimbo from outer space—until they put ink to paper. In a production that probably didn't max out anyone's credit card, Smith and two slightly less statuesque brunettes assume the guise of skin-mag models to blend into their surroundings. Their mission is to save Earth from yet another intergalactic threat, this one in the form of Joanie Laurer (aka the non-blond wrestler and, yes, former Playboy model Chyna). The obvious influences for this spoof of cheesy straight-to-video movies were Charlie's Angels (the theatrical version), Men in Black and Dinosaur Island, in which bikini-clad lesbians save a group of mutinous soldiers from stop-motion dinosaurs. Even as parody, Illegal Aliens makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like 2001: A Space Odyssey. Recommended only for people with access to news directors.
–Gary Dretzka
Be free, little Pokemon! |
Isn't it time to leave these little fellas alone? Or at least make their games better?
Pokemon Diamond Version Pearl Version (Rated E, for Nintendo DS, 2 1/2 stars) You'd think sometime in the 11-year history of Pokemon, the Humane Society would've gotten involved. Here are these cute little creatures, roaming wild, and people attack them, capture them, confine them in small spherical cells that fit into the palm of your hand and force them to do battle in what are essentially cockfights. If that doesn't scream animal cruelty, I don't know what does. Every entry in the Pokemon series, regardless of arbitrary subtitle, has featured the exact same gameplay. It's abusive, but even worse, it's gotten old.
With Pearl and Diamond, the Pokemon slave trade has gone international. Now, courtesy of Nintendo's wi-fi service, you can easily pit your Pokemon against players all over the world. But it's essentially the same old, barebones, turn-based RPG combat that it was back in the days of Pokemon Red and Blue. So I say put a stop to Pokemon abuse! Release them back into the wild ... at least, until we get better incentives to keep playing.
–Matthew Scott Hunter
Other things that are so easy a caveman can do them |
No. 243 in an appallingly long list
Devise non-annoying public-radio fund drives.