Pow! God dropkicks Virgin Mary in the face. Rumble! Noah crushes Moses with his patented ark-beast stampede. I’m playing Bible Fight, the online Mortal Kombat-style beat-’em-up where—instead of wrestlers and martial artists—you make Bible characters kung-fu kick the holy shit out of each other.
Women, go to www.adultswim.com/games/biblefight and choose the arcade version. Put the cursor over “Ye are not yet worthy,” and type “jehovah.” Then make Eve whoop on God in revenge for 6,000 years of menstrual cramps, birth pains and back-breaking labor.
All week I’ve been playing Bible Fight—usually as Jesus—while bellowing the cheer, “Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!” I’m obsessed with the chant, which I’ve only recently discovered. It’s a thing of insanely dumb beauty, and it automatically goes to the top of my “really cool American shit that Americans don’t even realize is cool, and which they should export to the rest of the world instead of unnecessary and unfunny remakes of British comedies, gun violence and plutocracy.”
Speaking of gun violence, I got a killer e-mail last week. It starts “Dear God: Why didn’t you save the school children at Virginia Tech?” It then lists all the college and school massacres in U.S. history.
God replies: “Dear Concerned Student: I am not allowed in schools. Sincerely, God.”
Yep, turns out the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good-all-the-time Christian god allowed the Virginia Tech shootings because he’s, like, really pissed off about Christianity not being taught in schools and shit.
Which, if you think about it—and I strongly suggest you don’t—makes God a child-killing terrorist. But it’s worse than that. God only makes scum with guns go on killing sprees in American schools. Why not, say, in England, where hardly anybody has believed in him for ages?
The only possible answer is that God has it in for America—kinda like bin Laden with superpowers. What’s Jack Bauer gonna do about that? “CTU Jerusalem! Drop the loaves and fishes!”
Ah, yes, but if Jesus had been armed, he’d never have been crucified for our sins. Which means every human being who died in the last 2007 years would’ve gone screaming straight to hell. Which means—oh, my God—the NRA is a tool of the devil.
But I guess we knew that already.
But no, seriously, we all know that school shootings happen because American kids are brainwashed into becoming psychotic gun-zombies by sick, violent degenerate gore-porn. Stuff like the YouTube-tastic trailer for the new Stallone movie John Rambo (in which Sly rips a Burmese dude’s throat out with his superbly overmuscled hands). And rap music. And skeleton hoodies. And Grand Theft Auto. And the cyber-noodle-Western cartoon show Afro Samurai (check it out). And Puddle of Blood pillows. Which are pillows that look like puddles of blood.
But let’s be honest—violence junkiedom isn’t a uniquely American phenomenon. The guys who thought up Grand Theft Auto were upper-crust Brits. And anybody who’s dipped a toe in Japanese pop culture knows it seethes with guns, ghosts and gore.
So how come you don’t get kids with guns massacring other kids on a regular basis in Britain? Or Japan? It can’t possibly be that—and I think you might want to sit down here, because I’m about to say something totally far-out, mind-bogglingly radical and jaw-droppingly shocking—in those countries it’s really hard to get a hold of guns.
Can it?
When American kids start strangling each other with naughty T-shirts and bludgeoning each other’s brains out with rap records or fake puddles of blood, maybe then we should start listening to the NRA, the censors and the smothermummies. Meantime, shut the hell up and turn the TV on.