Local
It will take more cold, hard cash to keep cool
The Public Utilities Commission delivered a low blow to Nevadans just as the summer heat kicks up, approving an 11.5 percent power rate hike, effective June 1, giving locals an entire week (gee, thanks) to prepare for the additional pinch in their trunks. The latest knockout punch, a winner by unanimous decision (3-0 vote), will bring the average single-family home monthly utility bill to $239.48. This is an average boost of $24.70 per month just to keep cool. Michael Yackira, president of Nevada Power Co.’s parent firm, Sierra Pacific Resources, defended the rate increase, saying, “As long as we get more money from people, that’s the important thing, because that makes it easier to pay my salary. Besides, it’s not like they have a choice. These people should try living without A/C for a week. Then they’d stop crying about a rate hike.” Rumor has it that Southwest Gas representative are taking notice and planning a substantial rate hike some time around November. If only consumers could juice the right people to fix these votes as easily as promoters fix boxing matches.
National
A slow news day
No massacres, no floods, no hurricanes, no San Francisco earthquakes, no cats in trees, no Britney head shaving, no sensational scandals, no miners trapped, no kids down wells, no stock market crashes, no progress with anything on Capitol Hill, no corporate scandals, no celebrity marriages, no sensational new techy crap that we don’t need anyway, no Rudolph Murdoch takeovers, no relief for the working poor, no change to inflation/unemployment/national debt, no solution to easily cleaning specks of flyshit off your ceiling, no further annexation of Mexico, no improvement in class and race issues, no TV-right-wing-nutjob statements that stood out from every other day, no attempted assassinations (we’re still quietly hoping), and still no way to easily get the wrapper off a freakin’ CD. And remember: You heard it all here first at LasVegasWeekly.com!
International
Castro still kickin’
Our international correspondent-on-the-go, Brian “The Blade” Westlake, has been in Cuba following up on a story by “The Miami Herald” regarding Cuban leader Fidel Castro’s comeback from multiple surgeries. Castro had just addressed the Cuban people for the first time in 10 months, by means of an editorial. However, “The Blade” was granted an exclusive interview with the Cagey Commie. Here’s an excerpt: “El Presidentio. It was reported that at one point you were dead. Any truth to that?” “I’m glad you asked that question, Mr. Westlake. Yes, in fact I did die, but I opted for resurrection to piss off the Americans. I like to f*** with them.” “Don’t you think it’s time that relations between the two countries thawed? Then the U.S. could get decent cigars and people in Cuba could, you know, eat.” “Eating is overrated. Our cigars are not. We win, the Americans lose again. Just like the Bay of Pigs. And the Cuban Missile Crisis.” “Didn’t Khrushchev actually pull the missiles out of Cuba during the crisis? In what was a -- if I may use some political jargon here -- backdowny kind of way?” “Oh, I still laugh about that one! There were never any missiles in the first place. We just welded a shitload of water tanks on top of each other and put pointy bits on the ends. But we sure fooled the Kennedy kids! Our intelligence at the time was that John and Bobby were constantly fighting to use the Oval Office crapper. Very fond memories for me.” The grand old Cuban then excused himself, hobbled from the room, and proceeded to whip his grandson in a marathon game of racketball.
China grows out of its skyrocket phase, goes for the real thing
Our close friends at “The New York Times” are reporting that Beijing is trying to position itself as a space benefactor to the developing world -- the same countries, in some cases, whose natural resources China covets here on earth. The latest and most prominent example came last week when China launched a communications satellite for Nigeria, a major oil producer, in a project that serves as a tidy case study of how space has become another arena where China is trying to exert its soft power. “We got da powa!” exalted the new Minister of All Things To Do With Outer Space Xing Bling Bling. “Dem homes in da US of A gonna feel dis, baby! We gonna be number one in space, baby! Woo woo.” In a hurried response to the news, President Bush appeared in the Rose Garden and offered this rejoinder: “Yo can pimp yo rockets, but we got deep pockets … sucka!” LasVegasWeekly.com was on hand when President Bush emphasized his point by popping a cap in his own ass.
Sports
Things that make you go hmm…
In NFL news, renowned wide receiver Keyshawn “Just Give Me The Damn Microphone” Johnson has decided to retire from the game to go into broadcasting. In other NFL news, that jagoff wide receiver Terrell Owens is gonna keep playing.