By Crystal Starlight
“Vegas -- You Heard it First”
I think it’s a pretty well known fact that I don’t like to be inconvenienced. I hate waiting, I hate being bored, I hate people that talk slow, I hate having to repeat myself and I hate having to do or use dumb things because no one has taken the initiative to come up with a better idea or product. Every day I run into situations where, within two seconds, I have an idea that would make my life easier. (Or at least more fun.) Las Vegas, I give you “my million-dollar ideas.”
1) “Blue Tooth” Wireless Headphones for i-Pod
I can’t even believe these stupid things aren’t on the market. Countless times at the gym I can tell you about inadvertently catching my forearm on the unsuspecting little whiye cord that runs from my ear to my arm band, while reaching for a dumbbell. At which point the headphone is ripped right out of my ear and I get to put my weight down and reposition the whole set up. That’s fun. I’m already irritable at the gym because I’ve learned that as a female the best way to avoid crap-ass pick-up lines is to look slightly agitated and avoid eye contact with any male. Add the irritation of abruptly yanking my i-Pod off and I want to throw it on the ground and stomp on it.
2) Brake Lights for Vegasites
When you’re doing 75 miles an hour on a steadily moving Las Vegas freeway it’s a real big problem when you realize the car up ahead of you slowing down isn’t actually slowing down; it has stopped. Everyone knows it takes a second to gauge the speed of the cars ahead and sometimes by the time you figure it out your Starbucks is already destined to be strewn across your pale beige floor mat. Pink is the answer. Brake lights should start out pink, not red, and increase to a candy apple color according to how hard you stomp your brakes. If this was the norm, you’d be able to tell 10 car lengths ahead if you’re dealing with a 60-car pile up or just an absent-minded cell phone user that brakes every time the road bends. (Although I’m working on how to keep them out of the fast lane entirely.)
3) Literary Alarms
I’m the only person I know that can use a free service and have to pay for it every time. I go in spurts as to how I feel about reading; with a good find it’s captivating but everything else obnoxiously puts me to sleep. I can count on finding five seemingly interesting books and then only liking one, hence my affinity for the library. I can’t buy books. I’d end up with stacks of unread, unfairly condemned titles lying in a pile in my room. The library is the epitome of how I feel any shopping should be: buy nothing, just test it all. Like I have the attention span to care about anything for more than a week, anyway … which is why after three months I’ve completely forgotten I ever had a book. Twenty dollars for each book rented is not the most efficient price point for stuff I don’t even use. I think this is a librarical conspiracy. Anyone as “type A” as me is bound, genetically obligated if you will, to not remember library due dates. If the library really wanted their books back they’d outfit each of them with tiny, high decibel micro-alarms that would go off like clockwork according to their stamped date of return. They’d go off immediately, regardless of their surroundings, and continue to beep until they are returned to the library. No shutting them off, no quieting them down. I guarantee you if this were happening I would not be $100 lighter every month.
4) Kitten-Sized Cats
If you truly want to make a quick million or two, this is for you. “Tea cup” Chihuahuas, mini-pins, and pocket sized Yorkies are all the rage. Why? Because they’re cute, they’re vulnerable, and they make up for the fact most people would make horrible parents and they know it. Yet no one has tapped the feline market! What 6-year-old girl would not want a kitten that stays kitten-sized forever? When choosing between a kitten and an adult cat what individual says, “You know what? That little kitty is cute and fluffy and playful, and easy to account for -- but this adult cat has five times the fur to leave on my couch and clothes, not to mention fully developed claws to ruin things! And I love the fact the novelty of its size has worn off.” Come on. It’s like child adoption. Everyone wants 6-month-old babies, not fully developed teenagers. It’s a good thing there’s a certain child/parent bond that takes place over the course of years, because Americans are just the type to exchange things after the novelty’s gone. Donald Trump. Enough said.
Now good luck with your patents. You know where to send the royalties.
Precocious entrepreneur, workaholic and a rabid perfectionist Crystal Starlight is a pro right down the line. Email her at [email protected]