Local
They almost had us going there for a second
We in the news department of LasVegasWeekly.com often have to deal with hoaxes and phony tips. When we got wind of a story that residents of Southern Nevada are seriously concerned about the rapid growth in the region, we immediately put our best people on it. Well, you can fool some of the people some of the time, be we don’t consider ourselves to be some of the people some of the time … or something like that. You see it turns out that the so called “report” whence this “story” sprang was issued by none other than the “Lied Institute for Real Estate Studies” which is allegedly housed at UNLV. “Lied”! Pretty transparent stuff when you’ve been in the news game a couple of months, as we have here. No way they were slipping that one past the goalie. Rest assured we’re always on the case and protecting you, our valued reader, from disinformation.
National
The busiest Bush around
President Bush will announce Tuesday that he is imposing stiff economic sanctions against Sudan -- including penalties against two senior government officials and a rebel leader -- and that he will press the United Nations for additional actions to end the violence in Darfur, two senior administration officials said Monday, according to “The New York Times.” Our mole in the White House witnessed the prez telling an aide: “This Sudan thingy. It’s gone on long enough. Like, weeks and weeks. And apparently a lot of people are getting roughed up. I don’t like that … unless I’m the one in charge of the roughing. I’m making Sudan our new special hyper-priority: kind of like ‘double secret probation’ in ‘Animal House.’ ” President Bush then rummaged through his Oval Office book basket, pulled out his U.S. road atlas, and proceeded to look for “this Sudan joint.”
On the Ontological Front
Absolute proof of God’s existence
The latest Victoria’s Secret catalog just hit our mailbox here as LasVegasWeekly.com and, after careful analysis of the contents, we’re prepared to go out on a limb and say that agnostics and atheists have got it totally wrong.
Sports
Call us crazy, but …
In a bid to bolster our already cutting-edge national sports coverage, LasVegasWeekly.com has put out its feelers for more top flight stringers … and we think we’ve found a gem. New York Yankees manager Joe Torre, fresh from a spanking in Big Bad George’s office (no, not George Costanza!), was last night approached by one of our talent hounds. For those of you who have been living in a cave -- which we personally find to be quite comfortable digs -- Joe’s job is on the line as the Yankees continue to lose, and veins around The Boss’ temples more resemble tow truck cables with each passing day. “I’m pretty sure I’m on the way out,” said a chagrined Torre. “George really put his shoulder into my beating today and I think the writing’s on the wall.” When asked flat out if he’d cover America’s pastime for this hallowed Web site, Torre replied: “Right now I’d do it for cold pizza and an inflatable ring cushion.” We have our accountants checking the budget but we’re pretty sure we can cover Joe’s demands.
Memorial Day Weekend Weather, Pt. 2
Our award-winning meteorologist, Boy on the Roof, is back in action and assures us that the weather in Las Vegas was really very good for your Memorial Day weekend. He’s batting a thousand!