EDDIE MURPHY Word is he’s pondering a return to the stage. If Chris Tucker can do it, surely the man who delivered Delirious and Raw can. What better place to do so than Las Vegas?
DAVE CHAPPELLE Especially since he pulled out of last year’s Festival. Dude owes us.
PAUL F. TOMPKINS If you only know him from Mr. Show and those VH1 I Love This Most Outrageous Week Ever! things that run ad nauseam, you don’t truly know Paul F. Tompkins. And Jesus H. Christ, you should, because he’s the funniest S.O.B. since Ernest P. Worrell.
BILL COSBY He tours constantly. He’s gotten more viciously outspoken with time. If anyone deserves a good tongue-lashing for shirking our various civic duties, courtesy of the Cos, it’s us.
WOODY ALLEN He only seems to take the stage to play jazz clarinet nowadays, but how redonkulous would that be?
DAVID CROSS/PATTON OSWALT/EUGENE MIRMAN/MARIA BAMFORD Yes, Brian Posehn and Zach Galifianakis appeared on the bill with Sarah Silverman at last year’s Fest, and the Comedians of Comedy tried to schedule an October date that got cancelled due to poor ticket sales. But for the alt-comedy movement as a whole to shun our fair city is a bigger calamity than a malfunctioning projector screen. Can we not even score an Aziz Ansari? Demetri Martin? Mike Birbiglia? Nick Kroll? Flight of the Conchords? Anyone?
BRIAN REGAN Doesn’t he, like, live here? In deference to his squeaky-clean observations we can only exclaim, “What the motherfreaking heck?!”
BILLY CONNOLLY/JIM JEFFRIES/PETER KAY Eddie Izzard’s Fest appearance provides a glimmer of hope. Just because we’ve shunned Great Britain in favor of Eiffel Towers, pyramids, canals and Colosseums, that doesn’t mean we aren’t Anglophiles when it comes to garnering guffaws.
MICHAEL RICHARDS Just to see what might happen.
BEA ARTHUR Okay, so she’s more Broadway/television star than stand-up. And apparently she was last here August 27, 2005. And more apparently she doesn’t even do her An Evening with Bea Arthur show anymore. We can still dream, can’t we?