1. O.J. Simpson arrested; media descends. Angry Goodman responds, “Hey, there’s a mayor drinking a martini over here!”
2. Steve Wynn doubles wealth, to $3.4 billion. Those tips add up!
3. 38,000 cram into Sam Boyd stadium for UNLV-Hawaii game. Officials thrilled: “We’re approaching O.J. media-circus numbers!”
4. Esquire decries “corporate BO that pervades the Strip.” Suggests giant cologne ad.
5. Suspended judge Halverson vows 2008 run. Angry Goodman replies, “Really, I’m a MAYOR drinking MARTINIS and saying OUTRAGEOUS things!”
6. Smoke from SoCal fires reaches Vegas. Angry Health Dept. issues citation to Bilbo’s lounge.
7. Locals join global yoga-thon to “alleviate poverty.” Stunned media promptly abandons O.J. coverage.
8. State bar loses $300K in alleged scam. Lawyers’ organization warmed by groundswell of apathy.