1. Violent crime in LV surges, say FBI stats. Downturn predicted since Kid Rock, Tommy Lee left town.
2. Discovery: Yucca fault line right beneath repository. On the bright side, no O.J. memorabilia stored there.
3. O.J. free on bail. Dog the Bounty Hunter quietly bides time.
4. Panhandlers make estimated $8.4 mil last year. Plans for The Panhandlers to succeed The Producers under way.
5. LV to be furniture-biz “epicenter.” Now that will make for some sexy commercials.
6. Rebels crush Utah 27-0. In related note, earth cracks beneath nearby nuclear-waste repository.
7. State unemployment rate climbs to 5 percent. But plenty of opportunities in lucrative panhandling industry.
8. Investors report ranks LV “most overbuilt city.” Oddly, plastic surgeons issue exact same report.
9. Metro offers e-notification of sex offenders near you. Also, exciting investment opportunity with widow of Nigerian finance minister.