Audiences never had to sit through Where’s the Beef: The Movie or a big-screen take on Can You Hear Me Now?, but a bastardized version of our fair city’s advertising slogan (the actual phrasing is “What happens here, stays here”) is now the inspiration for this forgettable romantic comedy. If we’re lucky, the movie will end up as nothing more than a footnote in the history of how the simple slogan insinuated its way into the popular consciousness.
For starters, what happens in Vegas in What Happens in Vegas only amounts to about 10 minutes, just enough time for vacationing New Yorkers Joy (Diaz) and Jack (Kutcher) to meet, hit the town, get trashed and wake up the next morning to discover they’ve gotten hitched. That one wacky contrivance might be enough for your average romantic comedy, but Vegas piles on a few more just to make sure that our two main characters, who commence to bickering as soon as they’ve sobered up, have every possible ridiculous reason to be around each other and develop their unlikely romance. So just before they’re about to head home to get an annulment, Joy and Jack hit a slot-machine payout worth $3 million.
But wait! That’s not all! Instead of being allowed to divorce and split their winnings like sane, normal people, the two are forced by a meddling activist judge to spend six months as a genuine married couple, otherwise their assets will be frozen. Each engages in all manner of dirty tricks to try and derail the marriage and thus keep all the money for themselves. Doesn’t it sound like fun to watch such kind, rational people fall in love?
To their credit, Kutcher and Diaz very nearly make it fun, at least in the handful of quiet, tender scenes toward the end of the movie. Their romance isn’t exactly believable, but it’s a lot easier to swallow than Diaz as the world’s least likely stockbroker. Corddry and Bell each get a laugh or two as the pair’s respective sidekicks, but the overall sour tone and worn-out feel of the movie overwhelm any positive aspects. Those exuberant, slightly vulgar commercials for Vegas tourism were far more entertaining (and did far more for our city’s image) in 30 seconds than this movie can manage in 90 minutes.
What Happens in Vegas
**
Cameron Diaz, Ashton Kutcher,
Rob Corddry, Lake Bell
Directed by Tom Vaughan
Rated PG-13