Okay, I have a confession to make. I really need a 12-step program. I just can’t go on like this any longer.
My name is Maren Wade and I’m an addict.
This is very embarrassing to admit, but I visit a certain website way more than I should. Multiple times a day, in fact.
I’m mesmerized by this online world. There’s so much variety and so many different styles (if you know what I mean.) Just when I think I’ve seen everything there is to see, a new one pops up and I can’t look away. My jaw drops, my heart pounds and I’m in lust all over again.
It wouldn’t even be so bad if I just watched. But I always end up doing more. Next thing I know, I’m bringing them to my house! What’s worse? It’s not just one. Sometimes it’s six a day!
At first, they reel me in and make me feel like the ultimate sexpot. But before the end of the day, they leave me sore and exhausted. Sometimes I can’t walk for days after. I tell myself that I should have the confidence to stand on my own two feet without them. But the next day, I’m back online, pursuing my next fix.
There are certain regulars I just can’t say no to, like Calvin and Charles. Once in a while, when I’m feeling really adventurous, I’ll go with Betsey. The worst part is that I have to pay for them. I had this one hook up, bondage-style with leather, metal and ankle straps. It was the priciest one so far.
I was so conflicted. I mean, I could live with this addiction if it weren’t so costly and all-consuming. In a moment of weakness, I called the website’s customer satisfaction representative and asked him why I’m getting no satisfaction. I was lucky to reach someone who knew exactly what it was like to walk in my shoes. He told me he had the same troubles once. He tried to kick the habit. After trying several times to give it the boot, he came up with a better plan. He made me realize the problem wasn’t with me. The problem was that I needed to come out of the closet, or at least get a bigger closet. I spoke to a contractor and he said he could put another one in the attic but it’s going to take 12 steps to get there.
So this 12-step program should help me with my shoe addiction. Now I’ve got my steps covered but I still need a sponsor. I’m thinking one pair of shoes for every step would be great.
So I’m asking Zappos to be my sponsor. Tony Hsieh, if you’re reading this, will you help a showgirl on this journey toward a better me? And a better closet?
Oh, and if 12 pairs are too much, maybe we could just do six instead?
I’m just kidding.
Okay, I have a confession to make. I’m just kidding about kidding.