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Aziz Ansari’s latest Vegas visit was hilariously noteworthy

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Aziz Ansari, seen here at the Pearl in 2010, killed it during last weekend’s Mirage performance.
Photo: David Becker/WireImage

The Details

Five stars
Aziz Ansari
May 4, Mirage

Awful shows and spectacular shows are easy to review. Aziz Ansari put on a spectacular show at the Mirage last weekend, but reviewing it has been tough. See, I take notes on my iPhone—that’s how I remember what jokes are told and how the audience reacts—and Ansari began his set with a five-minute tirade against those who use cell phones during his performance: “If you feel like you have to text during the show just politely step outside and don’t ever f*cking come back.”

At least, I think that’s what he said. But I don’t remember exactly, and I couldn’t write it down. So let’s just assume he said a much funnier version of that. I obliged the Parks and Recreation actor/stand-up comic on the phone restriction, so when I tell you that he was hilarious, you’ll have to just take my word for it. I can’t offer you many specific jokes to back it up, but I remember laughing harder than I’ve ever laughed in a Las Vegas showroom.

The one direct quote I can give you is this: “Thanks for making me take golf, Mom. It got me a c*ck in my face.” I felt permitted to whip my phone out and jot that line down because it was followed by, “If there’s anybody here from the paper, feel free to quote that.” Check.

I don’t remember the exact context—which, I think, is how Ansari prefers that quote to be read, free of context—but I do remember him bragging about what a cute kid he was and how he was shocked that he never got molested. He theorized that he must have intimidated the child molesters, the way the high school hottie intimidates the geeks. He imagined molesters, dejected, kicking the ground, saying, “That’s Aziz, man, he can f*ck any child molester he wants.”

I also remember a five-minute rant on how much black people love magic tricks. This is something we in the magic community discuss all the time, but I’ve never heard an outsider say it, let alone do five minutes on it. “When a black dude sees a magic trick, he thinks there are wizards on earth. … If anybody has a video of a black person not freaking out at a magic trick, I want to see it. … The world would be a better place if everybody treated each other the way black people treated magicians.”

Maybe Ansari catered the whole set to me (jokes about magicians, about being 30, about going to Vegas clubs), or maybe everybody connected with him equally. Either way, I now consider Aziz Ansari the Ben Folds of comedy: He’s the one who speaks for me.

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