Film

Some real Oscar surprises

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The producers of this year’s Academy Awards ceremony (airing February 22 at 5:30 p.m. on ABC) have promised a show full of surprises, even if all the winners end up being entirely predictable. No presenters have been announced ahead of time, and big-name directors Judd Apatow and Baz Luhrmann are set to helm special segments. In the spirit of surprise, we came up with a few other unlikely elements we’d like to see on this year’s telecast.

Presenters:

Roman Polanski. Hey, the guy already has an Oscar, and a recent documentary about his case has softened the stance against him. Still, we could hear the most booing at a director since Michael Moore won an Oscar.

Woody Allen. As long as we’ve got a skeev factor going, it would be pretty cool to see the guy who’s made more fun of the Oscars over the years than perhaps any other filmmaker as a presenter.

Vincent Gallo. Seriously, admit it: You’d watch the program just to see what this guy would do, wouldn’t you?

Charlie Kaufman. Whether he shows up or not, he could then write a movie about a schmo who’s picked to speak at the Oscars, and the existential struggle that follows.

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Montages by famous directors:

Quentin Tarantino’s tribute to the coolest movie heroes of all time, with soundtrack by the RZA.

Kevin Costner’s look at the most massive movie failures of all time.

Michael Bay’s salute to explosions.

Terrence Malick’s tribute to grass and leaves, with ponderous voice-over.

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