Dear editor of Las Vegas Weekly,

I recently read a review in your magazine on the book about Andre the Giant. This made me wonder why you haven’t done a review of my new book, Got Fight? The 50 Zen Principles of Hand-to-Face Combat, especially since I’m now a transplanted Las Vegan (or is it Veganite?). I started thinking that I could probably talk you guys into doing a review on my book, but then I realized that there were some prevalent dangers. What if the reviewer didn’t like my book? What if he gave it a poor review in any way, shape or form? As I mentioned, I am a Las Vegas local, and I assume that the reviewer would also be a Las Vegas local. Chances are that I would see him on the streets. Now, I’ve been known to be a violent person with a bad temper. To compound matters further, I am also a relatively well-trained professional fighter. If the reviewer spewed out any garbage about my book, I would most likely do him serious bodily harm. The reviewer would undoubtedly deserve the beating, but unfortunately our legal system has many problems—the primary one being that justified beatdowns are not legal.

To save myself from incarceration and lawsuits, I’ve taken it upon myself to write my own book review, which you are going to publish in your little magazine. The goal of this review is to get people to realize that Got Fight? is different from the 19 fighters’ memoirs that are currently taking up space on the bookshelves, preventing more copies of my New York Times best-selling book from being displayed. Although each of these books is about an amazing athlete who has done amazing things, they are all pretty monochromatic (and yes, I kinda know what monochromatic means). My book is super-special because it is a semi-autobiographical tale about how losers can become winners. I say “semi-autobiographical” because I’m still a loser, and “semi” protects me from legal indemnities (does that even make sense?). Anyway, the review can be found below. Just make sure to cut out this first part—I don’t want people knowing that I wrote my own book review. If such knowledge leaked out, I would get really, really angry, hunt you down on the streets of Vegas and do my best to tear your arms from your torso (I know that sounds absurd, but I’ve done the math and think it’s actually possible. All I would need is a small pocketknife, a winch of some sort and a very large tree branch).

Your friend,

Forrest

Review: Got Fight? The 50 Zen Principles of Hand-to-Face Combat

by Forrest Griffin with Erich Krauss

Rating: 6-3/4 stars out of 6-3/4 stars

NOTE TO EDITOR: Please remove all material in parentheses, as it is not intended for your readership.

Got Fight? The 50 Zen Principles of Hand-to-Face Combat is more than an intimate look into the life and times of Forrest Griffin, a real-life Rocky Balboa (I stole that line from some jerk-off who reviewed my book on Amazon. Is that technically considered plagiarism?). It is a literary masterpiece that not only shares his 50 principles of life, but also describes how, by following them, amazing things will happen to you. Some might call this karma, but not wanting to be associated with pot-smoking hippies, Forrest replaces this common term with the words “good things.” Many of you might be thinking that this book sounds strikingly similar to the best-selling book The 48 Laws of Power, but it is actually much, much better, because Forrest includes two-extra principles (I got that idea from an infomercial—you know, where they sell you 27 ShamWows and give you two for free). These principles include how to intimidate attackers on the street with verbal beatdowns, find calmness in extraordinary circumstances, develop back-up plans in life, pick up chicks in nightclubs, defend yourself in the event of a sword attack and break someone’s neck with a technique called Fuck Start the Head. As one would expect from these titles, they are principles that can be utilized by everyone in our society, including schoolteachers and orphans. (Do you think the orphan bit is too much? I really want to sell the crap out of my book, and what else do orphans have to do but read? Not like they are going to hang out with their families.) However, there are some inherent flaws in this book. First, it’s painfully obvious that a professional fighter who has been repeatedly punched in the face with small gloves composed every sentence. The order of the book is random at best, leading this reviewer to assume that Forrest was forced by his jackass editor to throw a bunch of random thoughts down on paper to meet a ridiculous deadline. (I fucking hate that guy. Seriously, I’m going to hunt him down on the streets of New York and rip off all of his toes.) But other than the writing being that of a fifth-grader and the order of the book being absolutely terrible, the manuscript is a real literary and comedic gem. If you have even a remote desire to become more manly or learn about how to make your terrible life slightly better, run out and pick up a copy of Got Fight? today.