The Jacko Pack-O?

Our to-do list for Michael Jackson’s potential Strip engagement

Illustration: Ryan Olbrysh

The King of Pop playing the Strip? It’s been a rumor longer than most of us here at Weekly can remember, but there’s been more talk of it actually happening, what with the bailout of Jackon’s treasured Neverland Ranch by Colony Capital, which owns, among other properties, the Las Vegas Hilton. What better way to repay the $23 million debt than with a Las Vegas run?

Okay, we realize we’re talking about possibly the flakiest entertainer on the planet. Jackson is about as likely to moonwalk the stage of the Hilton as he is to start his own chain of plastic surgery centers, but assuming it ever comes to pass, we’d like to take this opportunity to offer The Gloved One our tips for not only getting the most of out Vegas while he’s here, but how to guarantee the maximum amount of success:

• Frank Dragone. Look him up. Sit down with him. You’ll understand.

• Hang out with Siegfried & Roy. Hey, we know you like magic, and you’ll never run out of conversation material, what with your combined amount of reconstructive surgeries. Heck, you may want to consider bringing them on as special guest stars for the show. But no pyrotechnics or tigers.

• Mobile billboards are the way to go, although pamphleting has its followers.

• The following is off limits: Circus-Circus Adventuredome.

• You’ll be tempted, but don’t sell your likeness to any casino or cybernetic institution working for the DOD.

• Try a chicken Zaba bowl—they’re great!

• We hear you live in Pahrump now. The traffic on Blue Diamond Road gets crazy near the bottleneck; use the helicopter.

• We’re not sure how much money you still have, but you could get something about the size of Neverland for a steal right now.

• Go to Fresh and Easy. It’s both.

• Please don’t have your image plastered Toni Braxton-size on the hotel.

• Two words: Thriller Buffet!

• Two more words: Webster shortcake.

• Your adults-only show should start at 7 p.m.; the children’s show at 10:30 p.m.

• Stay out of the news. No sleepovers, for God’s sakes! No loud parties! No cops! Pay your taxes. And get rid of the chimp.

• Word has it you’ll be 50 soon. There’s no better city on the planet for birthday parties, so there’s that.

• Netflix. You never have to go out.

• Work on another album—but make music you want to make, not music you think we want to hear.

• Did you get rid of the chimp? C’mon, Mike … Damn!


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