GRAY MATTERS

News, observations, stray thoughts + medically supervised brain drainings about our city



Off the Chart, or, What the Review-Journal Story on Child Developmental Milestones Didn't Tell New Parents



Traditionally news-lite, Monday's edition of the R-J contained a story on child development, featuring a chart showing what a child can do at certain ages. A sample:


Ages 0-2: Lift her head: (1 month); turn onto his back (2 to 3 months); flip from back to front (5 to 6 months).


Ages 3-5: Open doors (3); use "I" correctly (4); tie shoes (5); skip and walk on tiptoes (5);


Ages 9 and older: participate in informal groups (10); stay home alone (12); do homework with little nagging (14);


Gray Matters has sired enough crumb-snatchers to know that you can't learn how to parent from some friggin' chart. So to help all you new parents acclimate to a new life filled with purply-green poo, teething and day-care costs that rival private golf club memberships, we have devised our own list of developmental guidelines.


Disrupt your sleep: Ages 0 to 18; kiss your eight hours goodbye.


Spoil your hanky panky: Ages 0 to 15; it's worse during the first six years, when the rugrats are scared of the Bogeyman and peaks at 15, the time you're worried about them having hanky panky.


Ravage your finances: From conception to 25 generally, longer if they're incorrigible moochers.


Challenge your authority: Think the terrible 2's are bad? Wait until the the treacherous teens.


Ignore your advice: From conception to, oh, your death.




Funny, We Were Thinking the Same Thing About Your Shallow, Carnal, Money-Obsessed Hometown, Dear Neighbor




"It might not be your favorite city ...



—First sentence of an Los Angeles Times story about visiting Las Vegas.




On the Other Hand, Vegas Hoesn't Have Scotch-Drinking Ugly Guys Wearing Dresses in Public. Too Often.



The quote of the week comes from Scotland, where they recently opened Glasgow's first "super casino." "Glasgow has enough social and addiction problems without becoming Scotland's Las Vegas," said Robert Brown, member of the Scottish Parliamentary Corporate Body.




It's in the Cards: Move to France



Souvenir playing card company www.presidentialdecks.com insists that the lead Bush has over Kerry is stronger than the polls indicate. The company sells decks of Republican and Democrat playing cards, colored with the faces of prominent party members (or would that be a most-wanted list?). Sales of each party's deck are tallied on a state-by-state basis in a mock electoral college. As of Tuesday at 9:27 a.m., Bush leads Kerry 60 percent to 40 percent.




Truth Really Is Stranger



It was more than a year ago that an unsuspecting tourist's step onto an electrical box on the Strip was her last. And the news has made it to snopes.com, a website that publishes urban legends and stories that sound like urban legends but are actually true—like the story of Rebecca "Becky" Longhoffer. See for yourself at www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/lasvegas.asp.

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