TV: Heather from Heaven

Locklear is the only thing worth watching so far this fall

Josh Bell

Thank God for Heather Locklear. As I nearly kill myself in my attempt to watch most (not even all!) new shows offered up by the major networks this fall, so far the only oasis in the desert of mediocrity has come from Locklear's new drama LAX (NBC, Mondays, 10 p.m.). LAX isn't even the season's best new show (or so I hope; ABC has three promising new dramas on this week and next), but it's the only one I've seen so far that's actually made me want to watch it again.


Why? Let's start with the obvious: Heather Locklear is a television goddess. Sadly, I never watched Dynasty in its original run, but once Heather stepped onto Melrose Place, it was TV love at first sight. Never has one woman been so bitchy, so sexy and so blond so much of the time on one show. Her presence even almost made me want to watch Spin City: The Charlie Sheen Years (or was it Year?). So as soon I heard the click-clacking of her impractical heels on the airport tarmac in LAX, I was sold. I mean, she plays a character named Harley Random, for crying out loud. How could you not love this stuff?


Unfortunately, there are other characters on the show, and that's generally where LAX goes wrong. Blair Underwood is good as Harley's nemesis, but the rest of the cast barely registers. The setting, in LA's international airport, is rich with story possibilities, and has the added advantage of not being a hospital, law office or police station. The pilot was fast paced and had about three story lines too many, while the second episode was too laid-back. If the producers can find a good balance, they could have a fun, entertaining show.


Without Heather, the rest of the season thus far has just been so much drudgery. Witness The Benefactor (ABC, Mondays, 9 p.m.), ABC's pathetic attempt to rip off The Apprentice (don't worry, Fox's pathetic attempt is coming in November). The Apprentice has billionaire real-estate mogul Donald Trump. The Benefactor has billionaire dot-com entrepreneur Mark Cuban. The Apprentice has its contestants complete sometimes ridiculous business-related tasks. The Benefactor has them complete even more ridiculous, completely random ones. Even more of an ego workout for Cuban than The Apprentice is for Trump (and that's saying something), The Benefactor brings its 16 contestants to a mansion in Cuban's hometown of Dallas and essentially has the weaselly, needy mogul pick which one he likes best to bestow $1 million upon.


It reminds me of nothing so much as MTV's hilarious The Assistant, with weirdo comedian Andy Dick torturing a bunch of Hollywood wannabes who were vying for the chance to bring him bottled water. The difference was that The Assistant was an obvious parody, with contestants who were at least partially in on the joke. On The Benefactor, no one is in on the joke, not even Cuban himself.


I had high hopes for the WB's high-concept Jack & Bobby (The WB, Sundays, 9 p.m.), because I am a sucker for both teen melodramas and shows set in the future, and Jack & Bobby is a bit of both. The gimmick is that one of the two main characters, teen brothers Jack and Bobby, is destined to become president of the United States, and as we watch him in his formative years doing teen drama-y things like crushing on girls and trying to fit in at school, documentary-style talking heads tell us about his future presidency, in 2049. It's a tall order to maintain over the course of a series, but Jack & Bobby has other problems. It's like any mediocre WB drama, with the worst political speechifying of The West Wing grafted on—a complete wasted opportunity.


This past Sunday also brought us the Emmy Awards, TV's annual night of self-congratulation. The Emmys have always bored me, mainly because the nature of TV means that the same shows and actors get honored every year, and even if those shows are good, that can get mighty uninteresting. This year there were a few surprises, including little-seen but critically-acclaimed comedy Arrested Development winning for Outstanding Comedy Series, and James Spader picking up an Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series for going down with the ship that was The Practice.


It's sad that just about the only way deserving new shows will get nominations next year is because warhorses like Sex and the City, Friends and Frasier are finally off the air. The ceremony itself was brisk, sometimes unnecessarily so, as almost every winner was played off stage before finishing an acceptance speech. Host Garry Shandling had his moments but I wish they'd bring back Conan O'Brien or Ellen DeGeneres. My main complaint: In the montage of departing shows, little-vampire-drama-that-could Angel was snubbed. I shed a tiny tear of blood for that.

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