You can't put a dollar value on human life ... unless you're a mercenary. Then it's money by the jeep-load. The price gets higher for those whose faces have been printed on military-issue playing cards, like many of the villains in Mercenaries. Fortunately, there happen to be 52 primary targets, otherwise soldiers might have to get used to playing Uno.
This title takes a standard, military, third-person shooter and deploys it in the open-ended realm of Grand Theft Auto, in which you can hijack vehicles and pick your favorite missions while playing the Koreans against the Russian mob, and occasionally ordering an air strike on a lone enemy just to see if it works. And it does. What's most impressive in Mercenaries is how few limits there are in how you can blow things up for profit. And if you play your enemy-laden cards right, you can complete an impressive number of missions for every warring faction and walk away a rich man.
The Punisher (M) (3.5 stars)
THQ
PlayStation 2, Xbox
Ok, I'm an evil person. You have to be to really get your money's worth out of The Punisher. The kindhearted will consider this a run-of-the-mill, mediocre, third-person shooter with a few context-sensitive interrogations in which you threaten to force criminals into wood chippers and piranha pools. But we evildoers will laugh in sadistic glee as we subsequently make human kindling and feed the fishies. I'm sure after a fair trial, the Justice Department would have done the same anyway.
Feel The Magic XY/XX (T) (3.5 stars)
Sega
Nintendo DS
This incredibly odd collection of mini-games takes full advantage of the DS' touchscreen and voice-recognition features as you attempt to woo the girl of your dreams in all the usual ways: warding off a herd of charging bulls; torching a man-eating plant; extinguishing giant, aggressive candles; etc. It's disappointingly brief but boldly unique. No other game dares to present you with a phallic-shaped object while instructing you to, "Rub in an upward motion and blow."
Texas Hold'em Poker (E) (2.5 stars)
Majesco
GameBoy Advance
This title is essential for anyone wanting to beat a table of mentally retarded chimps at poker. It let's you go through the motions of the popular card game, but the AI of your fellow gamblers indicates they've had one too many complimentary cocktails. If you want to make some easy virtual cash, this is your game, but don't expect it to prepare you for the real thing unless you have a deep-rooted phobia of money.
Matthew Scott Hunter has been known to mumble, "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start" in his sleep. E-mail him at
[email protected].