John Heffron on things that didn’t happen first

Julie Seabaugh

Venus, second planet from the sun

It's a cool planet. I think there's a woman's shaver named after it, right? And Venus is the love planet, so that's good.

Roanoke, the second English colony in North America

When I would vacation with my family, we would always have to see some play or something called The Lost Colony, and it told the story of Roanoke. People took off, and when they came back no one was there. And they never found any bodies! Maybe now they're the Others on Lost.

The Second Amendment

I'm a big believer in the right to bear arms. Although I'm not in support of the kind of person who accidentally forgets their arms in their gym bag and then tries to take it through airport security. So I'm not a supporter of the rights of doofuses to bear arms.

The Second World War

I visited Normandy recently, and that was pretty moving. I'm glad we won the Second World War. There's a lot of good Second World War video games: Call to Duty, Call to Duty 2, the soon-to-be-released Call to Duty 3 ...

Bush's second term

I think whether you like him or not, it would have been odd to switch off at that time. It would have been like when a waiter gets off their shift and a new one comes in who doesn't know the specials on the menu. So he kind of had to stick around and close his shift out.

The second coming of Christ

I saw on the news some guy said he was Christ, so if some guy said he was, it has to be true, right? His followers gave him houses and BMWs and watches and stuff. I'm pretty sure that's what Christ would do if he came back; he'd go to Mexico and try to get watches.

The Second City comedy troupe

When I lived in Chicago I saw Second City all the time, and I thought they were good performers. Most of the cast I saw are famous now. I like the bit that every tour does the same, the couple playing Pictionary.

The Godfather 2

I'm a fan of The Godfather 2; Godfather 3, not so much. The video game Godfather, I have it on my PSP, but I don't have it on my Xbox 360. I've seen the lake house that the movies were filmed at up in Lake Tahoe. And I actually killed my brother on a row boat on that same lake.

Speed 2: Cruise Control

I actually saw that movie. Why did I watch that? All I remember was it was a boat that couldn't slow down this time, and then there's a big restaurant that they crash it into.

Led Zeppelin II

I like them, but I wasn't one of those crazy fans. I think it was the cool thing to do growing up, to like Zeppelin, your jean jacket and your Mountain Dew.

Use Your Illusion II

I'm a big GNR fan. Well, I liked Guns N' Roses pre-facelift.

Your secondary education

When I think of high school, I think of not studying for any kind of spelling test, and I also think of drinking a Hawaiian Punch and eating a Suzy Q every day. That was my lunch for a long time, and I never ate anything else, which I think may have something to do with my present size as an adult. I don't know why I didn't have some Salisbury steak or a fish sandwich or something.

The second time you were ever on stage

I don't have any memories of that. I remember my first time and a whole bunch of others. I think it didn't start going horribly wrong until the fourth or fifth, though.

Last Comic Standing 2

I'm a big fan of that one. I didn't see the first version, but yeah, the second version I happened to like. I think it was the best version of the series so far.

And then just to switch things up a bit, your third CD, The Better Half

I like the whole thing. The first one I put out in 1992, when I'd only been doing comedy five or six years. I don't even know how I recorded that thing. The second one I recorded when there was a crazy snowstorm in Pennsylvania and there were only 150 people in the crowd. This one is so good I think people should buy two.

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