Hitman is the latest in a series of movies based on video games that ignore what makes their source material unique. Instead, they use a character or a plot point from the game as a jumping-off point, and from there, we get a bunch of meaningless stunts performed in whatever action style is currently trendy. In this case, we get a lot of extremely close quarters combat, à la The Bourne Ultimatum, and a lot of slo-mo dual gun-wielding, à la John Woo. Let me amend that: The John Woo stuff isn’t trendy—it’s out of style.
What’s really irritating is that, as anyone who plays Hitman knows, the game isn’t even about explosive action. Technically, it’s a stealth game. In the video-game series, you play the part of a chrome-domed contract killer, code-named 47. You’re assigned a target, and you have to figure out one of many clever ways to assassinate this person (and only this person), often while making it look like an accident. You’re actually penalized for collateral kills. High body count equals low score. That means that Timothy Olyphant, who plays 47 in the film, would really suck at Hitman.
In addition to leaving far too many bodies in his wake, Olyphant is never sure whether to play 47 as stone cold or to wink at the camera. As a result, he just looks confused most of the time. It doesn’t help that the equally confusing script has no shame in finding the most ludicrous ways to get us into an action sequence as quickly as possible. If the movie wants a four-person, eight-gun standoff that culminates in a four-person, eight-sword bloodbath, it doesn’t matter that three of these guys should be on the same team, or that no one has a reason to drop their guns or that it’s impossible to hide two long swords in your pants—the movie is going to give us that bloodbath.
The introduction of a love interest actually shifts the proceedings from ridiculous to embarrassing. 47 threatens to execute this woman in every other scene, and yet she comes on to him like she’s a character in a teenager’s wet dream. Even teenagers wouldn’t buy this.
Hopefully the next Hitman game will feature a level where you disguise yourself as Steven Spielberg, infiltrate a movie studio, distract the staff with a rumor about Pamela Anderson being in the building and plant a bomb in a word processor. Your target: the writer of this garbage.
Hitman
*1/2
Timothy Olyphant, Dougray Scott, Olga Kurylenko
Directed by Xavier Gens
Rated R
Now playing