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The town that saved Christmas

Look, it's a pretty, personable but somehow boyfriendless woman in her early 30s, wondering if she is ever going to find true love. And hey, who's that guy over there, behind the sleigh? The one who looks sort of beat up by life, but also kind of magical. Is he an angel? An angel who looks suspiciously like a B-list actor on the downward arc of his career, looking to score a couple hundred grand for a few weeks work in some Canadian city that sort of looks like Chicago?

It's beginning to look a lot like Hollywood Christmas! Every year come late November, the town that despises America outsources its hatred to Al Qaeda and Old Europe and starts serving up holiday stories that seem as if they were plucked straight from that cozy, family-friendly snowglobe otherwise known as Sean Hannity's head.

A single career woman regrets her glamorous, successful, independent life and, when, given a second take, chooses marriage and motherhood. (Eve's Christmas.) A petty thief (who happens to be a single woman in her 30s) finds redemption after having pseudo-motherhood thrust upon her. (Christmas Caper.) A precocious kid finds a replacement hubby for his widowed mom. (All I Want for Christmas.) Families torn apart by divorce reunite. (Christmas Do-Over.)

To move such plots along, there are always plenty of angels on hand, dispensing faith-based pixie dust by the ton as they reaffirm our belief in a higher power. In One Magic Christmas, a seedy-looking angel (Harry Dean Stanton) teaches a pleasant-looking family the true meaning of Christmas. In A Season for Miracles, a pleasant-looking angel (Patty Duke) teaches a seedy-looking family the true meaning of Christmas. In Unlikely Angel, a supernaturally busty angel (Dolly Parton) teaches...well, you get the point.

Perhaps Hollywood will someday live up to its reputation as the culture's most ruthless saboteur of traditional American values, and produce, say, It's a Wonderful Lifestyle, a classic holiday tale of a married, clean-living, Midwestern family man who wakes up on Christmas morning flanked by two sassy angels who proceed to show him how fabulous his life would have been if only he'd followed his heart and said yes when that charming male flight attendant invited him to lunch on his only trip to Manhattan 13 years ago.

Perhaps Hollywood will someday produce A Christmas Divorce, the uplifting tale of two co-workers who commiserate with each other about their miserable marriages, then share an illicit office-party kiss under the mistletoe after too much egg nog and decide to run off together to Las Vegas, leaving their spouses and their crummy jobs in the name of true love and happiness?

Perhaps Hollywood will someday produce A Christmas Abortion, the heart-warming tale of a poor single woman whose life is going nowhere until she receives a first trimester dilation and aspiration from a kindly obstetrician who bears an uncanny resemblance to Santa Claus. But not this year. And probably not next year either, or that one after that. And when it finally does, you better be ready to shell out for pay-per-view, because Lifetime, the Hallmark Channel, and ABC Family sure aren't going to air it.

A frequent contributor to Las Vegas Weekly, Greg Beato has also written for SPIN, Blender, Reason, Time.com, and many other publications. Email Greg at [email protected]

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