Price Control
Whew! America's enemies can rest easy -- Rosie O'Donnell is no longer determined to undermine "The Price is Right." The show tapes in Los Angeles, and O'Donnell lives in New York and Miami with her four children and her partner Kelli Carpenter. After meeting with the show's producers, she's decided that uprooting her family to fulfill a "fantasy childhood indulgence .... just doesn't seem fair."
Which is just like a typical spoiled Hollywood liberal, isn't it? Always putting herself and the needs of her family first, instead of the needs of America ...
When the abrasive former comedian first showed interest in destroying "The Price is Right," TV critics, political bloggers, and message-board posters were aghast at the prospect. So what if it was her childhood dream to cavort with gorgeous swimsuit models a fraction of her age, and foist brand new Chevy Suburbans on fixed-income retirees who might suddenly find themselves spending more on gas than rent? What would happen when she turned TV's beloved mockery of the Protestant work ethic into a platform for her radical politics, her liberal lesbianism, and in the words of one commentator, her "anti-family views"?
America would grow stronger, of course! Pro-family moms who previously frittered their days away lusting after five-piece dinette sets would boycott Rosie and start paying attention to their kids again. College students might actually attend a few classes. Retirees and slackers would realize that Plinko is never going to get them that MacGregor 26-foot sailboat, so they'd start buying lottery tickets and hitting the casinos, pumping millions into the economy.
With Rosie out of the picture, "The Price is Right" is poised to continue draining the national spirit for decades. Still, it will be hard for the show's producers to find a host as deceptively subversive as Bob Barker, newly retired after 35 years of service. While Barker is not as obviously radical as O'Donnell, sometimes actions speak louder than words. Despite her disdain for family values, O'Donnell has a fairly sizable brood; Barker, whose clean-cut good looks and suburban swagger certainly gave him the appearance of the quintessential American dad, never actually had any children. In fact, he doesn't even think animals should have kids. For years, he has religiously instructed his fans to have their pets neutered!
Think also of the marriages he must have ruined over the years, as frustrated housewives wondered why their husbands weren't as smoothly affable as him, nor as handsome, nor so eager to constantly shower them with patio heaters, topaz pendants, and Caribbean vacations. Indeed, in 1971, the year before Barker made his "Price is Right" debut, U.S. divorce rates were 3.7 per thousand people. A year later, the rate had leapt to 4.0 per thousand; it would continue to rise for the rest of the decade.
At 83, Barker may not be quite the long-distance home-wrecker he once was, but he's still too valuable an asset to the entertainment industry's anti-American, anti-family cabal to shelve entirely. There's another daytime palliative that's looking for a host, after all, and having lost 400,000 viewers in the past few weeks, it's in desperate need of a proven crowd-pleaser. Bob Barker, it's time for you to come on down to "The View."
A frequent contributor to Las Vegas Weekly, Greg Beato has also written for SPIN, Blender, Reason, Time.com, and many other publications. Email Greg at [email protected]