The Help Desk

The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Apr 22, 2010 (midnight)

Woman tries to make a citizen’s arrest of Karl Rove for “war crimes” during Las Vegas book signing.
We’ve skimmed his pro-Bush Administration book—and we’d like to suggest changing the charge to “literary crimes.”
Jesse James’ ex-mistress Michelle “Bombshell” McGee to appear at Las Vegas strip club.
That’s always been our main beef with our strip clubs—not skanky enough.
Kenny Chesney premieres Summer in 3-D concert film in Las Vegas.
Avatar revived a really tired concept, and here’s hoping that Kenny Chesney’s junk in 3-D will kill it.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Apr 15, 2010 (midnight)

Criminal investigation launched after Las Vegas firefighter comments on Facebook that she wants to shoot County Commissioner Steve Sisolak in the groin.
She also drew suspicion for achieving a ridiculously high score on Lexulous.
Paris Hilton reportedly splits from Doug Reinhardt.
We’re not usually big fans of the “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup line, but in this case—yeah, that actually works.
Gubernatorial candidate Michael Montandon says he supports Yucca Mountain nuclear-waste dump.
He’s obviously been reading How To Lose An Election In One Easy Step.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Apr 8, 2010 (midnight)

David Hasselhoff in talks for his own Las Vegas revue.
We’re not sure what we’re looking forward to more—his next showstopping number, or his next drunken attack on a hamburger.
U-Haul: Las Vegas ranks second among popular moving destinations in the country.
To all those people, we say welcome, but with a caveat: David Hasselhoff hasn’t agreed to a show just yet.
Report: Las Vegas Valley grew too quickly.
Brought to you by the Institute for Stuff That Was Pretty Obvious About Four Years Ago.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Apr 1, 2010 (midnight)

Tea Party of Nevada candidate Jon Scott Ashjian compares himself to Rosa Parks.
First a male prostitute did so, now a third-party candidate. If Rosa Parks were alive today, it’s likely she’d say, “For THIS I refused to give up my seat?”
“Markus,” Nevada’s first male prostitute, quits over lack of customers; brothel owner replaces him with prostitute dubbed “Y. Not.”
Women who can get sex from just about any man at any time are more likely to refer to him as “Y. Bother.”
Lights on Las Vegas Strip go dark for Earth Hour.
It was easier to accomplish than you think—a lot of the lights were already off.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Mar 25, 2010 (midnight)

Entry fees to increase for Red Rock Canyon, including a first-time fee for bicyclists and pedestrians.
It all began with officials wondering, “How can we get even fewer people to visit?”
Vince Neil launches three-jet fleet in Las Vegas, promises customers a rock-and-roll-themed journey.
He wanted a Jimi Hendrix-themed journey, but given the strict nature of flying nowadays, he had to settle for the Jonas Brothers.
Tiger Woods’ ex-mistress Rachel Uchitel threatens Jeff Beacher with lawsuit over “hooker” and “slut” comments on Facebook.
Beacher’s expected to lose so many Facebook friends, he’ll have to SuperPoke himself.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Mar 18, 2010 (midnight)

Mayor Goodman drops controversial proposal to mass-fire, rehire city workers.
Says ruefully, “It’s just not convoluted and baffling enough”; vows to come back with “something really messed up.”
Amy Winehouse reportedly plans to marry ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil in Las Vegas.
The ceremony will conclude with the traditional tossing of cocaine.
Federal appeals court upholds Nevada law barring legal brothels from advertising in Clark County.
In related news, political ads go unchecked.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Mar 11, 2010 (midnight)

Katie Price’s Las Vegas wedding to Alex Price a sham because minister was unregistered.
Not a real minister? That’s okay. They’re not real celebrities.
Unemployment in Las Vegas rises to 13.8 percent in January.
John Ensign is hard at work on a solution—cutting unemployment benefits entirely. That’ll motivate your lazy asses!
Fortune ranks Boyd Gaming No. 1 least-admired company in the world for product and service quality.
At first this shocked us—until we realized the company has New Jersey properties. Makes sense now.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Mar 4, 2010 (midnight)

Lindsay Lohan cancels nightclub hosting gig without explanation.
Explanation? It’s Lindsay Lohan. Make up your own, and you’ll probably be right!
Guards at Wayne Newton’s house turn away deputies trying to serve $500,000 court judgment.
So Newton’s got money woes, but he can still afford kick-ass guards.
Tickets for next round of Garth Brooks shows at Encore Las Vegas sell out within hours.
Resort currently hard at work on a system that will make it impossible for Brooks to ever leave the property again.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Feb 25, 2010 (midnight)

Obama announces on recent visit, “I love Las Vegas. Always have.”
Las Vegas says it forgives Obama this time, but that he’d better start telling the city it’s pretty every once in a while.
Harrah’s acquires Planet Hollywood.
Against Barack Obama’s strict orders, mind you.
Nevada Gaming Control Board report says Las Vegas casinos lost $6.5 billion in 2009.
Harrah’s asks, “Uh, did that check for Planet Hollywood clear yet?”

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Feb 18, 2010 (midnight)

Heidi Montag debuts new face, body in Las Vegas.
Unfortunately, the personality transplant is still on back order.
Man sets hugging record in Las Vegas, with 7,777 in 24 hours.
Surprisingly, he also set the world’s record for knees in the groin in a 24-hour period.
Gambling revenues rise 5.9 percent in December.
Finally, a bright spot to the economy—people gambling away their family’s futures again.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Feb 11, 2010 (midnight)

Obama tells nation not to “blow a bunch of cash in Las Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.”
Yeah, do it the proper way: Wait until you’re in college, then blow it all in Vegas during spring break.
Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman calls Obama a “slow learner” for making second Las Vegas comment.
Speaking of which: Hey Oscar, you do realize we’re never getting a professional sports team, right?
Wayne Newton allegedly abandons rotting, moldy jet in Detroit for the last three years.
They would have discovered this sooner, except he left it in, you know, Detroit.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Wed, Feb 3, 2010 (midnight)

In closed meeting, Dina Titus says Democrats are “fucked” unless they learn a lesson from the Senate upset in Massachusetts.
She also told the meeting that coffee was for closers only.
His fight with Manny Pacquiao canceled, Floyd Mayweather agrees to fight “Sugar” Shane Mosley.
Far be it from us to say that boxing’s reputation is in trouble, but rumor has it Dina Titus had a choice word to describe it in a closed meeting.
Report: Las Vegas led the nation in foreclosures in 2009.
But don’t worry, Las Vegas—all your politicians, lobbyists and bank managers still have their homes. Feel better now?

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Jan 28, 2010 (midnight)

Rapper Flavor Flav involved in car accident in Las Vegas.
There was some grill damage, and the front of Flav’s car got a little dinged up as well.
Investor Carl Icahn acquires $2 billion Fontainebleau project for $157 million.
Icahn also set to change his title from “investor” to “shameless opportunist.”
Las Vegas unemployment rate increases to 13.1 percent.
This Help Desk item was outsourced to India. We humbly apologize for the lack of humor and hope you have a pleasant day.

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Tue, Jan 19, 2010 (4:54 p.m.)

First male prostitute hired at Shady Lady likens himself to Rosa Parks.
He then launched into a speech: “I had a wet dream ...
Man stays in box full of snakes for 10 days as part of Strip stunt.
He said he wanted to really get the feel of being in the Nevada Legislature.
Las Vegas Monorail files for bankruptcy.
Great! Now how are people supposed to get from certain hotels to certain other hotels in a kinda-expensive, not-quite-so-rapid fashion?

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The Help Desk

Las Vegas Weekly Staff | Thu, Jan 14, 2010 (midnight)

Talking sex robot makes debut at Adult Entertainment Expo.
It talks after sex? Won’t be a hit with guys, that’s for sure.
Travel group reports that Orlando has beaten Las Vegas as the most-booked destination.
Las Vegas already hard at work on the solution: Topless Barry Manilow.
New book indicates Sen. Harry Reid said last year that Obama could be elected president because he is “light-skinned” and has “no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.”
“Wow, what a poor choice of words,” said Criss Angel.

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A&E

Photos: 2013 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand a ratings hit with …
Las Vegas was the center of attention on three simultaneous and competing TV network primetime shows Sunday night and wound up the winner. …
‘Cake Boss’ star and pastry chef Buddy Valastro to open Italian American …
Buddy Valastro, one of America’s top pastry chefs, is opening an Italian American restaurant at the Palazzo this fall. The handsome star …
Strip Scribbles: Coco Austin shoots ‘Think Like a Man, Too’ and watches …
It was the first time a “Peepshow” at Planet Hollywood audience had witnessed an onstage marriage proposal, and it also surprised stars …

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