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[Confessions of a Showgirl]

Confessions of a Showgirl: Are you smarter than a showgirl?

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Maren Wade

Picture this: I am on a game show. I like games, but I’ve never won anything. I don’t know why not. Anyway, I have the chance to win a million dollars! Now I’m really excited!

I’m competing against two men. One is a rocket scientist from NASA and the other is a Harvard professor. I’m going to show these guys that showgirls can stand with the best of them.

They explain the rules and now I know I have to be quick on the buzzer. I have great reflexes so that will be one of my strengths. Okay, first question:

Q: According to the proverb, what is the pot calling the kettle?

a) Hot

b) Noisy

c) Black

d) My hero

I hit the buzzer! I did it. See, I told you we have fast reflexes. Wait, I wasn’t paying attention to the question. Can you ask it again?

Hmmm. Let’s see. Both pots and kettles can be hot but they aren’t always hot unless they are being used. A kettle is noisy but pots aren’t usually noisy. Pots and kettles can be black but they can also be other colors. Why would a pot call a kettle its hero? That makes no sense. Come to think of it, why would a pot call a kettle anything? What is it calling with? I guess I would have to go with … c) Black. But I don’t think they realize that pots and kettles aren’t always black … just saying.

I got it right! Next question.

Q: In the U.S., if it's not Daylight Savings Time, what time is it?

a) Borrowed time

b) Overtime

c) Standard time

d) Party time

I have to sneeze. A-choo! Oh, I hit the buzzer by accident! Oops! I guess I should figure this one out. If you are saving time, it could be borrowed as well. It’s not overtime because you’re saving the time so it hasn’t been used yet. On the contrary, if you were partying with the time, then you would be using it. I mean, I don’t know the answer but it should be Daylight Giving-Away Time. I guess I have to choose Standard time but none of these answers work.

I got it right again! Eat your heart out Rocket Boy and Smarty Pants. The showgirl is in the lead. Next question.

Q: According to the old saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the (fill in the blank).”

a) Trash

b) Diapers

c) Bath water

d) Baby carriage

OMG! You should never throw a baby out! Who would do such a thing?! I’m not answering this question based on principle.

Q: What piece of advice most often follows "If at first you don't succeed"?

a) Throw in the towel

b) File an appeal

c) Try, try again

d) Talk to James

Who is James? Is he cute? I wouldn’t throw in a towel. What would that do? The answer is b) File an appeal. I always appeal because then I convince them I succeeded and then I succeed!

Hey! How did I get that one wrong?

Q: According to the popular phrase, "Don't bite the hand that (fill in the blank).”

a) Helps you

b) Pays you

c) Feeds you

d) Spanks you

It’s b) Pays you. Showgirls don’t eat so it can’t be c) Feeds you.

Wait, I got it wrong? I would like to appeal.

This game is getting close and the rocket scientist and Harvard professor are ahead of me. I need to get back on track. Next question.

Q: The TV series Sex and the City is primarily set in which city?

a) Chicago

b) New York City

c) Miami

d) San Francisco

Oh no! I have an itch. I didn’t get to the buzzer in time. The rocket scientist hit the button before me! This is horrible. I’m going to lose! It’s such an easy question!

He answered Chicago? Who wants to have sex in Chicago?

I’m back in! Okay, here it is: The million-dollar question.

(Dramatic pause.)

Q: What are chicken cutlet breast enhancements made of?

a) Chicken

b) Silicone

c) Pork

d) Fish

This one is easy! Every showgirl knows those breast enhancements are made of silicone! (If you don’t, you might want to brush up on your history with my past column, “The Evolution of Cleavage.”)

I WON!

I bet you’re wondering if I got the million dollars. Well, the answer is no. If you can figure out why, then you are smarter than a showgirl. (I’ll give you a hint: I started with the words, “Picture this,” which means, I wanted you to picture me winning a million dollars. Maybe if everyone pictures me winning a million dollars it will happen!)

Anyway, if you didn’t get it right, you are not smarter than a showgirl. But don’t worry. It’s like they always say, “If at first you don’t succeed, file an appeal.”

Thanks for playing!

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade and read more Confessions at confessionsofashowgirl.com.

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