Listen up men! (Women too, if you’re interested.) There is nothing better for your self-esteem and reputation than to have a beautiful showgirl by your side.
But that’s not an easy task. If you own a casino, you might be thinking, “Hey, it’s not that hard.” All I can say to that is … OMG! Someone who owns a casino is reading my column? Call me. For those who don’t own a casino, you’re in luck and just in time for Valentine’s Day. I have compiled a how-to-guide to grab that glamorous showgirl hook, line and sinker into an eternity of romance … or at least until the end of the night.
1. Master “the look.” It’s that look that tells us you don’t care, but in such a way that it makes us care that you don’t care. Then we spend our time trying to make you care. It always helps to throw in a confusing compliment, tinged with a dash of negativity, so we’ll be left wondering what you really meant, which will further undermine our confidence. And you’ll be there just in time to pick up the pieces. But then you’ll suddenly have to leave to tend to an “emergency,” which we find out later on Facebook is to party with another showgirl at a nightclub until 7 a.m.
2. Become an upstanding citizen. You need to bring an air of confidence, a presence so large that there isn’t room for anyone else to breathe. You can’t just walk in and sit in a corner like you can’t get it up. Sorry, I meant, get up. You gotta stand tall and proud with your focus straight ahead and your eyes looking almost, but not quite, at that showgirl. That way you keep her guessing if you are looking at her, which will drive her crazy!
3. Become talented. Showgirls spend their lives cultivating their talent. Talent attracts talent. It doesn’t matter what your talent is, you just have to be exceptional at something. Even if it’s a talent for laziness or twiddling your thumbs, just make sure you do it and do it well.
4. Develop and maintain a fear of commitment. Make us work. No one values things that come too easily. Never let a showgirl think she is the only showgirl you want. Even if it means going that extra step, making us feel unsure and off balance. That’s our comfort zone. If we’re not waiting by the phone, biting our nails and coming up with excuses for why you haven’t called, then we’re bored. If we have you, we don’t need you. It’s really very straightforward.
5. Be into the glitter and glamour of the life of a showgirl. You need to ask yourself if you’re really ready for this. Do you know what’s involved with knowing a glittery showgirl? I’ll give you a hint: glitter. It will end up everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE.
6. You gotta have a really big … comp list. We have to be able to go to any show in town. If we have to pay for tickets, we might as well commit career suicide. The key to a showgirl’s heart is to shower her with Champagne, strawberries and comps. (Okay, I have a confession to make: Diamonds and Christian Louboutins work, too.)
7. Be a good listener. This is important because we talk about ourselves a lot. You can’t have two people talking about themselves at the same time. Then no one is listening. Plus, being a good listener means you truly enjoy hearing us talk about ourselves. But practice listening without making any helpful suggestions. You’re not there to be helpful. You’re there to listen.
Oh, and never say, “You told me this already.” That spoils it for when we’re telling it to you again.
8. If you’re a morning person, learn to get up quietly. I think that’s self-explanatory.
9. Make us laugh. A showgirl is either entertaining or being entertained. We are all-or-nothing creatures. So if you want to stick around for the long haul (and by that, I mean the evening) make sure to keep us laughing, even if we are laughing at you.
10. Learn the difference between what you can and can’t control. In other words, you may be in control of your life. But you’ll have to learn to let go when you’re with a showgirl. I mean, it’s so funny when you think about it. We don’t have control of ourselves, so why should you?
I think I’ve covered everything. I just realized I don’t have a Valentine yet. Any takers?