A&E

[Confessions of a Showgirl]

A showgirl’s mile high club

Image
Maren Wade

As showgirls, we get the opportunity to travel to some of the most exotic places in the world like Biloxi, Mississippi, and Branson, Missouri. While we’re gone, we don’t miss the smoky air, the sound of slot machines or the drunk tourists. As luck would have it, those things exist in every casino! It’s so comforting to feel at home wherever you go.

Traveling can always be a little challenging, so I’ve compiled a few showgirl tips to ensure things run smoothly:

Sleep is a key factor. Flights to the East Coast (I mean, anywhere east of Las Vegas) are generally early in the morning. I can’t stress this enough: Sleeping WILL make you miss your flight. Under no circumstances are you allowed to sleep the night before. I know you are thinking about getting that half-hour catnap when you get home from work at 4:30 a.m., but don’t ever do it!

Don’t miss the free entertainment at the security line. So you’ve managed to make it to the airport on time, or better yet, you made it there early, which is unheard of in the showgirl world. Now it’s time to go through security. Hey, there are all my entertainer friends in the new TSA videos! If you haven’t seen them, check them out, or just book a flight to or from Vegas.

Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I’m almost always singled out for a TSA pat-down. Either my bedazzled pink Juicy jumpsuit screams I’m hiding weapons of mass destruction or they just want to feel what’s underneath. I’m not complaining. It does wonders for my ego. I always find it funny when they ask if I would prefer a private screening. Are you kidding me? I’m a showgirl—the more who see this show, the merrier. Pat away! In case you’re wondering, my favorite is when you get to my upper thighs.

Luck be a lady … or an upgrade. Now that your day is off to a good start with a morning massage, it’s time to see if all those frequent flyer miles pay off. You’re waiting for the gate agent to call your name and say, “Congratulations! You won the lottery! You never have to travel to Atlantic City again!” (Okay, I have a confession to make. Those might not be her exact words.) She’s probably going to say, “We have an oversold situation. You’ve been upgraded to first class.” Then, it’s time to practice your acceptance speech.

Always be in performance mode, even up in the air. As you board the plane on your way to the first class cabin, pretend you are walking the red carpet at the Oscars, but wear your sunglasses and act in such a way where you don’t want people to notice you. They will ask if you want Champagne. You should take two. It’s always amazing flying first class.

Don’t be startled by everyone working quietly on computers. You’re a showgirl. It’s your job to liven up the party! On my last flight, I got to talking with the man next to me. He was very nice. A little quiet, but he said it’s because it was hard for him to hear me with his headphones on. Those must have been amazing headphones if it was hard for him to hear me. Anyway, we talked about lots of things like work, love and life, and he listened through his headphones. He was a really good listener.

Go easy on the Champagne. A few more glasses and you are living the high life at 33,000 feet. But it can get to you, so much so that you realize it’s not the Champagne. It’s actually sleep deprivation and you’re not even on the plane yet. You’re actually still at the gate waiting to board your flight. Turns out you didn’t win the lottery or an Oscar.

So like I said, it’s always amazing flying first class, and by always I mean: I’ve always imagined it to be amazing. Anyway, I gotta go. I have a date tonight. Not really a date, but I’m taking a red-eye and looking forward to the pat-down.

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade and read more Confessions at confessionsofashowgirl.com.

Share
  • The action is rote, the special effects are surprisingly poor and the character interactions are only occasionally entertaining.

  • Everything in theaters this week, plus special screenings and movie reviews.

  • Sad Daze in Happy Valley drops November 17, with a release show one night later at Starboard Tack.

  • Get More A&E Stories
Top of Story