Clark County

Yeah, we have a czar for that

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Illustration: Robert Ullman

With more and more government functions being grouped under “czars”—to improve efficiency and accountability, just as in imperial Russia—it’s clearly time the concept filtered down to the local level. A few Vegas-specific suggestions:

BORDER CZAR: Responsible for all policies pertaining to the number of Utahns allowed in.

REAL-ESTATE CZAR: Coordinates panic, searches for “bottom,” hangs foreclosure signs.

PROSTITUTION CZAR: 1. Handles policies related to escorts, ensures continued use of euphemism for a practice that absolutely does not occur in Clark County.

2. Oversees government ethics panels.

CZAR OF DON’T YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR GODDAMN TIME?: Oversees disputes between the R-J’s Sherman Frederick and Sen. Harry Reid.

INTELLIGENCE CZAR: Oh, you’re funny.

GAMBLING CZAR: Keeps dealers in their place, diverts tips for lavish parties hosted by annoying reality-show stars.

ECONOMIC-DEVELOPMENT CZAR: Mostly sits on ass and wonders how he can become gambling czar.

GRAFFITI CZAR: Coordinates efforts to cover large buildings with giant advertisements; cuts thumbs off of taggers.

WATER CZAR: Fetches coffee for Water Empress Pat Mulroy.

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