It begins with National Dog Day, then devolves into Jamaican Patty Day, Grab Some Nuts Day, I Love My Feet Day and Mail-Order Catalog Day. Naturally, there’s a Just Because Day, and let’s be real—that’s just because Fresh Breath Day and Wiggle Your Toes Day were taken.
And that’s August. In September, we suffer Lazy Moms Day, Research Administrator Day, Restless Legs Awareness Day, Hug Your Hound Day (isn’t Dog Day enough?) and—bonus squeeze!—Hug Your Boss Day. “Don’t Hug People Without Permission” Day could follow and no one would bat an eye.
September 11, we honor the victims and heroes of 9/11 with Patriot Day, but degrade it with Make Your Bed Day (seriously?) and Hot Cross Bun Day (seriously). Following that is We Are Sick of These Days Day, taking place every day until further notice.
Social causes, fine. Innocuous “scream like a goat” days, maybe. But no to consumerist “eat an obscure meat pie” days or “buy something to throw away” days. “Celebrate everything” days crept into the collective consciousness with novelties like the then-amusing Talk Like a Pirate Day, but have since exploded into a societal epidemic that attacks our better judgment and compels us to propagate mind-numbing drivel about oatmeal, hagfish, brandied fruit and pro-life cupcakes (yep, that’s a thing). Social media and lack of Better Things to Do have worsened the situation. Where will it end?
As I write this it’s National Chicken Boy’s Day and National No Rhyme Nor Reason Day, which at least explains the chicken boy. Coming soon are Frappé Day, Name Your Car Day and Mole Day (sadly unrelated to burrowing animals or bodily growths). And look, if you want to name your car, whatever. Just do it on Keep It to Yourself Day.