As my friend Cook E. Jarr likes to say, "When you live in Vegas, you don't have to travel. I can go to France, and then to Egypt right across the street." But then I tell him, "Man, you're like a paraplegic who can't walk." Wait, should I say that in this magazine?
So the thing is that they've now made Vegas safe for kids. And I say, "Yeah, that's true, because kids sure do love whores."
I like knowing that Vegas is run by the mob, because I feel safer there, and I know that I'm not going to get screwed ... No, I can't say that, either. That's terrible.
It's the only time in my life that I'm not the LAST? one in bed. It's comforting knowing that there are people downstairs drinking, gambling and slowly degenerating. I like the fact that those people can even outlast us comedians.
I don't know when they went from 99-cent breakfasts to these huge fancy restaurants. I love the fact that they went out and bought all these chefs for this exorbitant amount of money. "What do you mean you want me to cook in the desert?" "Well, it's not that bad. It's got water. Sometimes."
I love Vegas. It's such a happy place. Every time I go there I get married.
I don't traditionally gamble, but I play the sports book. My advice? If you're going to go for it, go all the way, you pussy.
I performed with Cher at the Mirage for a year. That place was fantastic. Now it's a lake, isn't it?
One night after a show, Cher said to me, "I can't believe you did that joke in front of my grandmother." And then her grandmother came back to the dressing room, and she said she had loved it; that she couldn't stop laughing at my stupid, vulgar joke.
No, I'm not going to tell you what it was.
I stayed in either Siegfried or Roy's dressing room. It was the only dressing room I've ever been in that had a fish tank in it. Well, it was a lot bigger than just a regular fish tank; it was an aquarium. There were piranhas in it. I always wanted to try to find a cat that I could put in there and see what happened. OK, they weren't really piranhas. I'll just say that the fish were very fancy.
One time I was asked to clean it up a little bit. I'm like, "Hey, guys, this is Vegas. Drinking, gambling, whoring. This is not Sunday school. I don't care how pleated your tuxedos are."
I hung out in back of Mirage with Steve Wynn and those dolphins. Yeah, I pet 'em.
And the old Las Vegas, man, talk about it being a different neighborhood back then. I stayed in the Sinatra Suite at the Sands before they blew it up. That was the real Ocean's 11. I can't even watch those new movies now. To me, that was just ... of its time. I think that's something that needs to be held onto.
I'm too weak to live there. I couldn't take it if it was real life. But it's OKto visit, because, you know, as the saying goes ...
Dom Irrera appears at the Riviera Comedy Club through Sunday. Call 794-9433 for details.