With the regular season concluding this week, now is the perfect time to honor some of the best (and worst) that the NFL has offered up this season. All winners will receive a gift bag featuring a foam middle finger signed by Jake Plummer, a playbook titled "Mike Martz's Top 10 Trick Plays That Never Work" and a Ricky Williams-signed bong. The envelopes please ...
The Jenna Jameson Memorial Award ... goes to the Cleveland Browns, who, after a 3-3 start, laid down like porn stars down the stretch, losing nine consecutive games for two different coaches. In fact, there's little doubt that Jameson has scored more the past three weeks than the Browns, who have managed but two touchdowns in their last 12 quarters.
The "Swingers" Award ... belongs to the San Diego Chargers, who were money, baby, all year long. The Bolts compiled a 12-1-2 record vs. the point spread, meaning if you wagered $110 on the Chargers every week, you'd be up $1,090 right now.
The Ben Affleck Award ... goes to the St. Louis Rams. Like the actor, who has cost Hollywood studios countless millions in recent years, the Rams sent bettors to the poorhouse this season with their 4-11-1 mark vs. the spread.
The John Kerry Flip-Flop Award ... is shared by the Buffalo Bills and Carolina Panthers, two teams who started miserably—the Bills 0-4; the Panthers 1-7—but enter the final week with a realistic shot at making the playoffs.
The Cheerleader of the Year Award ... goes to Terrell Owens. After breaking his leg in Week 15, Philly's wide receiver will be forced to showboat from the sidelines during the playoffs. Rumor has it he's spent the past week practicing whipping a Sharpie out of his cast.
The picks:
Patriots -14 vs. 49ers. The Patriots, with nothing to play for, will be fielding a JV team. However, the 49ers would be double-digit underdogs against a team quarterbacked by Stevie Wonder.
Texans -11 vs. Browns. I'm fully convinced that if the season lasted two more weeks, the Browns would become the first team in sports history to get an interim coach fired.
Chiefs -3 vs. Chargers. With a win, the Chiefs finish 8-8 ... and we get to see coach Dick Vermeil get all choked up about how he's never been more proud of a .500 team.
Jets -3 vs. Rams. The Rams need to win this game—and get some help—to sneak into the playoffs. In an unrelated note, I need about $990,000 to be certified a millionaire. I like my chances better.
Best Bet: Redskins +5 vs. Vikings. The Vikings exercised the option on coach Mike Tice's 2005 contract. Nice to see we still live in a country that rewards mediocrity. Next thing you know, an 8-8 team will make the playoffs. ... Er, never mind.
Last week: 3-2 (1-0 Best Bet)
Season: 45-35 (8-8 Best Bet)