Press Release We Stopped Reading
"What to Give Her for Mother's Day? How About a Clean Garage!"
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From GarageTek of Las Vegas, a purveyor of garage-organization systems.
If You're Happily Married, Gainfully Employed, Live Close to Work, Sober, Not Crazy, Haven't Been Victimized by Crime and Don't Want to Kill Yourself, Vegas Can Be Remarkably Stress-Free! Just Pray for Sunshine.
Yet another addition to Las Vegas' display case of civic distinction: According to the latest gimmicky promo survey, Las Vegas is the fourth most-stressful large metro area in the nation. Better only than Tacoma (Washington), Miami and New Orleans. Worse than such traditional nerve-shredders as New York (number five), Los Angeles (32), Washington, D.C. (83) and anyplace in New Jersey (numbers 19, 55, 70, 72 and 84).
The data-crunchers at Sperling's Best Places (www.bestplaces.net) took into account nine categories of nasty stats: divorce rate, unemployment, commute time, violent crime, property crime, suicide, alcohol consumption, mental health and, taking a cue from Playboy's Playmate questionnaires, cloudy days. However, some categories (crime, unemployment, commute time, suicide) were weighted more heavily than some (divorce, mental health) and much more heavily than others (cloudy days, booze intake). Not factored in? Such effective stress-reducers as bevertainers, multiple Cirque shows, a Downtown poetry bridge and Gray Matters itself—that is, uniquely Vegas features that should have bumped us farther down the list. And they call this pseudo science!
Would That Make Him a Pipe-Dreaming Hobbit?
Libertarian presidential candidate Aaron Russo—or as the Weekly prefers, the anti-Ralph Nader; no worries about his campaign swinging the presidency—called George Bush and John Kerry "default choices" in his Friday e-mail blast, dubbing the former a "shifty-eyed Ewok" and the latter a "Wizard of Oz Scarecrow."
Number 3,074 on Our List of Why Las Vegas Radio Bites
"Mark went in for his very first prostate exam yesterday."
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Mercedes, redefining "happy talk," KMXB 94.1-FM, May 4.
Angry Blind Brits Take a Shot at Vegas! (Thank God the Angry Mute Laplanders Haven't Joined In.)
From an article in an amazingly cautious place in the United Kingdom called Coventry:
"People are objecting to 'Las Vegas'-style plans to put artwork and adverts on the grey concrete bridges and flyovers of Coventry's ring road ... Two pressure groups representing blind and disabled people fear the signs could be dangerously distracting for drivers and cause accidents.
"Rose Smallman, of the Coventry and Warwickshire Accessible Transport Committee, said: "Those on the roadway will distract drivers ... Coventry is not Las Vegas! ... Her husband Jim, who represents the National Federation of the Blind, said: "We object to all advertisements that are distracting for drivers and dangerous for pedestrians, especially the blind."
They Could Always Get Galardi'd Up, i.e., To Gain Advantage Through Liberal Applications of Semi-Naked Women. It Worked for the Weekly
According to an Editor & Publisher report, famous investor Warren Buffet recently told the Reuters news service that competition for advertising dollars and the Internet's growing popularity could render the newspaper industry obsolete in 10 to 20 years. Buffet owns the Washington Post Co. and Buffalo News (Buffalo, N.Y.)
They're Not Real People. They're Characters.
The finale of Friends is tonight, and those of you who truly consider Phoebe, Joey, Rachel, Ross, Chandler, et al your true friends, it's going to be a trying time. There are a couple of things you can do to ease the pain. A. Get out more. B. Realize that others have it worse than you. Take this automotive analysis provided by Edmunds.com, a well-known resource for car info.
• Ross drives a Land Rover Discovery, but he plans to trade it in for a new Ford Escape Hybrid when it hits the market later this year, to minimize his impact on the environment and still have the off-roading capabilities befitting a paleontologist.
• Rachel's Lexus RX 330 expresses her appreciation for luxury—and allows her to fit right in with the other mommies in her Long Island circle.
• Joey drives American muscle metal: He has an aging Chevrolet Camaro IROC Z28 that fits his budget, but when he makes it big he'll buy the Porsche and Ferrari he's always wanted.
• Phoebe, ever the quirky new-age flower child, loves her New Beetle Convertible, right down to the dashboard-mounted vase that comes as standard equipment.
• Chandler overheard the in-crowd at work talk about the Chrysler 300C sedan and liked its luxurious interior, so he bought one without taking a test drive—and still gets freaked out by its power whenever he touches the accelerator.
• Monica had a Volvo wagon for her catering business. For motherhood, she got a Honda Odyssey, and has diapers, coloring books and juice boxes tucked into its compartments.