Arts and Entertainment Editor Martin Stein—who dressed up as a giant sperm cell—reports from the Halloween scene:
Can there be two more dissimilar Halloween events than the Fetish and Fantasy Ball and the candy giveaway at the Galleria at Sunset Mall? One was full of people in creative costumes, brimming over with the spirit of the season and having a great time. The other had an overabundance of naughty nurses. Maybe it's the result of becoming inured to San Francisco's gay pride parade and Folsom Street Fair—or, for that matter, simply walking down Market Street on a weekend—but the adult party seemed to be on the same level of wildness as the child trick-or-treating.
On the other hand, I saw far more grown-ups being spanked at the Fetish Ball than I saw toddlers' bottoms being smacked at the mall. Read into that what you will.
Contributor David McKee shifted his attention from the election long enough to send this note on another variety of otherworldly doings:
Your tax dollars have helped to pay for an Air Force Research Laboratory report on the subject of the physics of teleportation. Yes, the airforce is studying the "conveyance of persons by psychic means" (well, it's cheaper than buying new planes, we suppose) and "transport through extra space dimensions or parallel universes." The contract was let to Warp Drive Metrics, of our own fair city, headed by a Dr. Eric W. Davis. He's aligned with another local outfit called the National Institute for Discovery Science and has lectured for NASA on wormhole propulsion.
I swear, you can't make this stuff up. Apparently it's been "trick or treat" at the Pentagon, too, as they're also trying to develop a "positron bomb." Anyway, who knew that such sci-fi skullduggery was going on right here in our quiet little burg?
Excerpts from a press release describing new healthy snacks available to Clark County schoolkids:
1. "California Classics tastes great and contains no cholesterol, preservatives, or trans fats. Flavors include hot and crunchy cheese curls, cheese balls and pretzels. The snack is available in a large 1.5 oz. and small .75 oz school size for retail and vending."
2. "Baked Classics is guilt-free potato crisp snack comes in two scrumptious flavors: Sour Cream & Onion and Mesquite Barbeque. The unique recipe begins with specially selected potatoes that go through a secret baking process. ..."
Excellent! Now, on to textbooks that don't end with the Nixon era!