If you're a fan of the NFL, you have to love this whole parity thing, where teams unpredictably rise and fall from season to season like Oprah Winfrey's weight. But if you're a fan of the NFL who wagers hard-earned money on the outcome of games, well, parity is a euphemism for "poorhouse."
Seriously, someone please explain the following: Bill Parcells and Joe Gibbs have each coached two storied franchises to 3-6 records; the Jacksonville Jaguars have given up 12 more points than they've scored ... yet they're 6-3 and in the thick of the playoff hunt; a rookie from a college that roughly 12 people have heard of is the starting quarterback for the best team in the league; and consistently moribund franchises like the Lions, Bears, Cardinals, Falcons and Chargers—nine games into the season—still have a reasonable shot at playing in January, while such perennial contenders as the Dolphins, 49ers, Titans and Chiefs are in the midst of a free fall befitting a state controller.
I'm telling you, the NFL makes less sense than Jessica Simpson presiding over a world peace summit. And yet, much like the Democratic party, I press on, attempting to make the best of a bleak situation.
Chargers -4 at Raiders No, I cannot explain this whole Drew Brees resurrection thing any more than I can explain the enduring popularity of rap. Some things you just have to accept and move on.
Bills +1.5 vs. Rams Recent history has shown that the fleet-footed Rams struggle whenever they have to play outdoors. Asking the Rams to play outdoors ... in Buffalo ... in mid-November? That's like asking Anna Nicole Smith to recite her ABCs in one take.
Seahawks -9.5 vs. Dolphins Word out of Miami is that A.J. Feeley gets the starting nod at quarterback this week. Might as well be A.J. Soprano. ... Stat of the week: Now in his sixth season as Seattle's coach, Mike Holmgren is a whopping one game over .500. Not exactly good for the ol' résumé, eh coach?
Bengals +4.5 vs. Steelers Pittsburgh has been absolutely unstoppable for nearly two months, while Cincinnati's season has been consistently inconsistent. So why back the Bengals here? Parity, my friends, parity.
Best Bet Lions +7.5 vs. Vikings. If you truly value your cash, there are three things you should never do: pay to get into a nudie bar, buy a ticket to any movie where the words "starring Mariah Carey" might appear; and bet on a mediocre team laying more than a touchdown in a game against an equally mediocre division rival—especially when the favorite is the Vikings.
Last week: 2-3 (1-0 Best Bet)
Season: 27-23 (4-6 Best Bet)