Be Prepared!

Our Club Survival Guide Will Help You Get In and Out Alive

Martin Stein

Las Vegas' climate is harsh and unforgiving. Make one mistake out there and it could cost you. But the dangers of the desert are nothing compared to Las Vegas' other famous peril: the nightclub scene. And there is no other more risky period than Labor Day weekend.


Last year alone, hundreds of people lost their sense of propriety and self-respect in Las Vegas nightclubs over Labor Day weekend because they were ill-prepared. As a public service, we at the Weekly have compiled this list of items we recommend you have with you at all times. Don't let yourself become a statistic.




1 Water, the stuff of life. Doctors say you should drink eight to 10 eight-ounce glasses. We say you should only ask for Voss from Norway. It's got the coolest-looking bottle out there, and besides, Fiji is so last Tuesday.



2 Suitable attire. You wouldn't go into the desert wearing a parka and you shouldn't hit the clubs wearing one, either. On top of avoiding that no-no, be sure to dress the part. Yes, your sneakers might cost more than the bouncer's entire suit, but you still ain't getting in.



3 Even more suitable attire. If you plan on taking in the world-famous Pimp 'n' Ho party, costumes are mandatory. For the men, be straight poppin' collars and makin' them Hos work for the dollars. For the ladies, you best be showin' some breast if you wanna catch the Pimps' interest.



4 Whether you're hitting the Pimp 'n Ho ball, Club Rubber at the Palms or any of the other events, if you're looking to meet that Someone Special (or that Someone Special For Tonight), bring along condoms. Remember, clubbing is fun; parenthood is a never-ending stream of 3 a.m. feedings and dirty diapers.



5 Seventy-two hours, more than 100 drinking establishments (we're not even counting the P.T.'s) and 300,000-plus folks jetting in to party all adds up to one busy long weekend. You're going to need something to help you even the odds—energy drinks. Lots and lots of energy drinks. Red Bull is the classic, but don't overlook Stinger, or the granddaddy of them all, Jolt Cola. If you can find it, that stuff was like carbonated crack!



6 Odds are, no matter how careful you try to be, you're likely to imbibe just a wee bit too much. Head off the headaches with one of the new products on the market like Chaser, RU-21 or Hangover Prevention Formula. We don't know if any of them work, but at worst, you might be able to trade them for another tequila shot.



7 Aspirin. In case those miracle drugs don't work. And sunglasses. But not those wimpy Christian Dior ones. If you wake up with not just the hair of the dog in your mouth, but the entire dog, you want some serious, Grade-A sunblockers for your peeps. They should be as black as the soul of the bartender who mixed you that one-drink-too-many last night.



8 Breath mints. Do we really need to explain this one?



9 Ear plugs. We don't know if it's the music that's getting louder and louder or our hearing that's starting to go (we tell the boss it's our hearing, at least when it's meeting time), but a few disposable foam ear plugs can mean the only ringing you'll hear the next day will be from your hangover.



10 Some sort of perfume, cologne or body spray. After a few sweaty, gyration-filled hours in an overpacked club, you can't help but pick up the funk of those around you. (We know that smell can't possibly be coming from you). You can pick up tiny bottles in the back aisles of some drug stores where all the travel items are.



11 While you're back there, grab one of those combination toothpaste-tooth brushes. You just never know where you're going to find yourself come dawn.


And there you have it, everything you need to make it through the long weekend in one piece. Party on, Garth!

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