Who's THIS guy? And what the hell does he know about football? I bet my shih tzu could pick games better than this clown.
Hey, I don't blame you for being skeptical. For all you know, I'm as qualified to operate a monorail as I am to dole out weekly point-spread advice. Er, bad analogy. Point is, I understand you don't trust me. But that's just because you're not aware of the facts, such as: I've hit 75 percent—that's right, baby, SEVENTY-FIVE percent—of my NFL picks over the past five years. I've won more money in those five years betting pro football than you'll make in the next ... aw, hell, the truth is, your shih tzu probably could pick better than me. But in a town where a mob lawyer can be elected mayor—twice—I figure I can get away with this. One caution: If you use this information to make an actual cash wager, BET AGAINST ME! I promise, by season's end, you'll have more money in your pocket than you started with. Here goes:
Baltimore minus-3 at Cleveland
Something stinks in the Dawg Pound this season, and it's the Browns. That sound you hear? It's Ravens maniac Ray Lewis licking his chops at the prospect of seeing the NFL's newest big mouth, Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr., coming across the middle.
Arizona plus-11 at St. Louis
I know a fraud when I smell one ... or perhaps that's my lunch. No matter. The Rams have more holes this year than the bad guys in a Schwarzenegger flick. Sure, the Cardinals are worse, but not 11 points worse.
Houston minus-5 vs. San Diego
Oh, my beloved, pathetic Chargers. They've made more mistakes in the past decade than former NBA All-Star Shawn "Who's Your Daddy?" Kemp.
Cincinnati-New York Jets, over 42 points
These two teams have the ability to score more than Ron Jeremy at a porn convention. Moreover, their defenses are about as stout as a Saddam Hussein-led Army.
Best Bet: New England minus-3.5 vs. Indianapolis
Let's see, the Patriots are defending Super Bowl champions; they're playing at home; they've won 14 consecutive games, including a 24-14 victory over the Colts in last year's AFC title game; and every time Peyton Manning goes up against a Bill Belichick defense he turns into Ryan Leaf ... and the Patriots are only laying 3-1/2? Are you serious? This is like Reagan laying three and a half electoral votes vs. Mondale in the '84 presidential election.