Listmania!

1. Least Corrupt Local Politicians

2. Hottest Boulder City Nightspots

3. Places Oscar Hid the Bodies

4. Greatest Matthew Lillard Film Performances

5. Most Insightful Hilary Duff Lyrics

6. Reasons Not to Do the List Issue

7. Classic Episodes of The Casino

8. Best Carrot Top Props

9. Sexiest Homeless People

10. How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Oldsmobile Achieva

Ford Aspire

Isuzu Trooper

Isuzu Amigo

1. As I walked out of a public restroom, a man, having finished his bowel movement, burst from his stall and, without stopping at the sink, swung by the reception desk and pawed a handful of candy from a dish there. I looked. The candies weren't wrapped.

2. Two men sitting in adjoining stalls making lunch plans.

3. A guy whizzing into a urinal when his cell phone dislodged from between his ear and shoulder, landing in the urinal, totally soaked. (Or so he said; I didn't look.)

1. Gilbert Gottfried

2. Roseanne

3. Jay Leno

4. Ted Koppel

5. Tim Russert

6. The Blue Men (unless it's in black and white)

7. Carrot Top

8. Dan Rather

9. Chris Matthews

10. Larry King

11. Sean Hannity

12. Bill O'Reilly

13. Al Franken

14. Geraldo Rivera

15. Oprah

16. Katie Couric

17. The cast of Everybody Loves Raymond, excepting Patricia Heaton

18. The cast of The King of Queens, excepting Leah Remini

19. Sex and the City's "Mr. Big" (show-off!)

20. The star of Joan of Arcadia (but only if The Big Guy happens to read this list)

21. The talk-show hosts of MSNBC, excepting Deborah Norville

22. The stable of Fox News babes, excepting everyone.

23. The reporters of 60 Minutes, excepting no one.

24. Zell Miller

25. Al Gore

26. Al Gore

27. Al Gore

1. Are You There, God? It's Me, Your Colleague

2. Tales of a Fourth Grade Smack-Talking Hustler

3. Otherwise Known as Oscar the Great

1. Quickie Mart Capital of the World

2. Nightclub Opening Every Week Capital of the World

3. Imploded Casino Capital of the World

4. Televised Poker Tournament Capital of the World

5. Low-Flow Toilets to Save Us From Drought Capital of the World

6. Per Capita Strip Club Square Footage to Resident Capital of the World

7. Ethics Complaints Against Our Politicians Capital of the World

8. Reality TV Capital of the World

9. Utility Rate Increase Capital of the World

10. Wayne Newton Capital of the World

11. Pay People To Hold Signs and Act Funny on Sidewalks Capital of the World

12. Badmouthed Capital of the World

13. Nepotism, Chicanery and Conflict of Interest Capital of the World

14. Las Vegas Gladiators Arena Football Capital of the World

15. Paris Hilton Capital of the World

1. Acorn/Project Vote

2. Cabo Apartments

3. Carefree Senior Living

4. Concerned Citizen/Brenda Cheney

5. Dean for America

6. Dia de los Ninos Celebration

7. Four Square Church

8. I.U.B.A.C. Local 13

9. Kids Vote Teacher Training

10. LOKA

11. Nevada Hand Housing

12. November Inc.

13. One Soul Everlasting

14. Rock the Vote

15. Voter Empower-ment Project

16. America's Family United/Southern Nevada Black Elected Officials

17. We the People

1 An oversized flea

2 Kinky hair

3 Glass

4 Spoiled mayonnaise

5 A batter-fried mustache

Decorous Amber

Buckram Binding

Cinnamon Whip

Amazon Stone

Nectarina

1. The Andre Agassi Las Vegas Weekly

2. The Andre Agassi Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good

3. The Andre Agassi Downtown Arts District

4. The Andre Agassi Tiger Jam

5. The Andre Agassi Road to Hell

human skin, hair, waxes, pollen, mold, fungi, lichen, wood, paint, fabric fibers acrylic, foam rubber, sheet rock, plant and vegetable matter, insect parts, auto and industrial emissions, hydrocarbon waste from oil or gas heaters, tiny bits of metal debris from door hinges, food waste, paper fiber.

1. Mandalay Resort Group: $188.7 million second-quarter revenues

2. MGM Mirage: $104.7 million second-quarter revenues

3. Harrah's Entertainment: $301.1 million second-quarter revenues

4. Station Casinos: $240.2 million second-quarter revenues

5. Las Vegas Sands (owns Venetian and Sands Macao): $105.9 million second-quarter revenues

1. The Riotous Reaction of a Considerable Portion!

2. The Jeremiad on the Lamentable State

3. The Most Assuredly Enforced Crime

4. A Pabulum of Celebrities!

1. The Raging Brouhaha

2. Ruction Eruption

3. High Dudgeon Being Spewed!

4. Vestigial Tail

5. The Charge of Parsimoniousness Is a Base Canard, Starring Jenna Jameson!*

*May be apocryphal.

1. Razmadazmatron

2. Do

3. Re

4. Mi

5. Enigmo

6. N

7. P

1. Picture The Rock getting his prostate exam. (If this makes you feel better, bravo. If this makes you excited, audition for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on Bravo.)

2. Brainstorm sure to win you Entrepreneur of the Year: Round up 17 other guys having prostate exams, plant flags, open miniature golf course.

3. Close your eyes and keep repeating, "22-34-17, HIKE!"

4. Remind yourself it could be worse. You could be Ned Beatty in Deliverance.

5. Think of it as playing astronaut during one of the greatest moments in history. You're the moon; the doctor is Apollo 11.

6. If nothing works, insist the doctor buy you a drink and agree to meet your parents.

1. Winner in 2001: Mayor Oscar Goodman

2. Winner in 2002: Dario Herrera

• The Weekly wrote of Herrera: "In 2001 alone, golden boy had managed to sway enough of his fellow bickering commissioners to vote him in as commission chairman, a coveted seat that allows its holder to manage the board's agenda and set priorities. That came less than a year after Dario spoke to a national audience on the stage of the National Democratic Party in Los Angeles. His speech was short—just 312 words—but the fact that he was chosen at all spoke volumes about his promise. Political people perked up."

The sarcasm takes care of itself, doesn't it?

• The Weekly wrote of Goodman:

"He badmouths the homeless." Still does.

"He badmouths the ACLU." Still does.

"He's badmouthed a developer or two." Still does.

"He badmouths 'crooked' City Council representatives." Yet he's been hit with a handful of ethics complaints and frequently toes the line on nepotism.

"He pushed for and got title to 61 prime acres west of the Fremont Street Experience, which is likely to become an academic medical center, cultural arts center and high-density residential housing." Yet nothing's been built. The Cleveland Clinic dissed him, and only three companies have submitted bids to develop the land.

1. Crisp, refreshing Buck Mulligan

2. Piquant, with a hint of lemon Buck Mulligan

3. Seinfeldesque, cold-filtered Buck Mulligan

4. Luxuriously haired, hated-by-Swift-Boat-Veterans-for-Truth Buck Mulligan

5. Walrusy, freshly colon-irrigated Buck Mulligan

Hold Back Time One More Time

The Last Stand of Cherilyn Sarkisian

'Til Death Do Us Part: The More Farewell Tours than Husbands Tour

Cher Ain't Nothing But Cheer Misspelled!

I've Got All New Parts!

• Soothing

• Non-irritating

• Sterilizing

• Deodorizing

• Clinically proven

• Whitening

1. Ikea-type desk/bookcase with fake-teak laminate inherited from a roommate ("accidentally" broken)

2. Paperback books purchased from library discard sales

3. Clothes I hadn't worn in more than a year

4. Pair of flip-flops that had somehow lasted from when I was 15

5. Chair stolen (by a friend—I was only the look-out) from my college during a pub night

6. Magnetic traveling chess set with lost men replaced by fridge magnets

1. Bright turquoise, short-sleeved shirt with a white bandana pattern

1 Tommy (original drummer)

2 Marky (Tommy's replacement)

3 Richie (Marky's replacement)

4 C.J. (Dee Dee's replacment on bass)

1. Batch (n.): Bitch; see also Beeeyotch

2. Bama (n.): Fine young lady

3. Breezy (n.): Fine young lady

4. Chiefin' (v.): Smoking weed

5. Chopper (n.): AK-47, AR-15 or similar automatic weapons

6. Crispy (n.): Fine young lady

7. Faded (adj.): High or drunk; see also Keyed

8. Fatmouthin' (v.): Talking shit

9. Gallopin' (v.): doing something you're not supposed to

10. Keyed (adj.): High or drunk

11. Sticky Icky Icky, Ooooweee (n.): potent weed

12. Thudda Thudda (n.): Fine young lady

1. Wah

2. Urp

3. Bbthpb

4. Fffft!

5. That gurgling sound they make when you're bathing them but turn away to catch the new ESPN commercial and they chug the dog shampoo someone left by the tub—a sound we can't spell because it's never happened to us. But if someone does know, we think it might look cool on a marquee.

1. Milk carton tabs

2. Balled-up candy wrappers

3. Bugs

4. Your hair

5. Your feet

6. Your ankles

7. Dropped aspirin tablets (gel-caps, even better)

8. Laundry lint

9. Their own fur balls.

10. Anything that missed the garbage can

11. Anything glass or ceramic or otherwise fragile that will shatter when pawed off a surface from a modest height

1. Anything from PetSmart

LASER Tennis game

Scanner

My cat, Susan, who does circus tricks

Certificate of ownership of acre on the moon

My piano

My TV

My stereo

My VCR

Rare collection of "Rockcards," trading cards of '80s hair metal stars

Autographed photo of Vanilla Ice

The Klingon Dictionary and Klingon for the Galactic Traveler

First season of Punky Brewster on DVD

Reliability. Science. Knowledge. Learning. Physician.

Simulated Patient

1. Terrible's Hemorrhoid Cream

2. Terrible's Super Foam-Padded Seat Cushions (if you used Terrible's Hemorrhoid Cream)

3. Terrible's Denture Adhesive

4. Terrible's Cream of Tomato Soup (if you used Terrible's Denture Adhesive)

5. Terrible's Condoms

6. Terrible's Home Pregnancy Test (if you used Terrible's Condoms)

1 This is truly the paint from hell.

2 The Ralph Lauren help line sucks for lack of a better word.

3 Has ANYONE had a good experience with Ralph Lauren Paints? I'm planning to paint my bathroom in a dark-brown suede ...

4 What is wrong with you people? I've been using the Ralph Lauren Paints for over three years and have had nothing but complete success!

5 I think that you have wonderful clothes and I wear them all the time. My friends and I have our own little Polo collection to see who has the most Polo outfits and whose outfits cost more and which one of us can afford the most expensive ones. Of course I have won majority of them. I just wanted to tell you how I really enjoy your clothes and please keep up the good work.

1. A long-handled broom (out)

2. A 5-pound bag of flour, without breaking it (out)

3. The contents of the bottom shelf of the fridge, which no man alive knows how they got open (out)

4. A 3-foot square of sod (in)

• Older by two minutes

• Taller

• Left-handed

• Singer of hit-song "Brother for Sale"

• Deeper voice

• Cheddar-flavored potato chips

• Casual, classy funky style

(Ashley, Ashley, Mary-Kate, both, Ashley, Mary-Kate! (at least, when she was 14), Ashley)

1. LoriBenson.com, Erotic art and photography

2. Alex Cordova, Clique Entertainment club party promotions

3. Larry Edwards, Tina Turner impersonator

4. Shelly Galloway, Little Buddha (so large it's taped to another card)

5. Tracy Lee, NapkinNights.com

6. Jack LaFleur, Rehab at the Hard Rock

7. Monti Rock III, World's Greatest Entreprenwhore

8. International Spy Museum, Washington, DC

9. Christina Trainor, VegasHotSpots.com VIP services

1. Stiffen

2. Putrify

3. Root for the Rockies

1. Hot chix pix

2. Cool stories

3. Hot chix pix

4. Hot chix pix

5. Great writing

6. Hot chix pix

7. Hot chix pix

8. Hot chix pix

9. Terrific calendar listings

10. Hot chix pix

11. Hot chix pix

11. Hot chix pix

13. Hot chix pix

14. Racy classified ads

15. Hot chix pix

16. It's free