Kicking & Screaming
Stars: Will Ferrell, Robert Duvall, Kate Walsh
Director: Jesse Dylan
Plot: Ferrell plays a suburban dad who takes his son's pee-wee soccer league a little too seriously.
Studio Whore Quote: "You'll be kicking yourself if you don't see this movie!"
Mindhunters
Stars: LL Cool J, Jonny Lee Miller, Val Kilmer, Christian Slater
Director: Renny Harlin
Plot: Seven trainees in the FBI's psychological profiling program go to a remote island for testing and discover they are being hunted by one of their own, a real serial killer. Originally scheduled for release last summer, always a good sign.
Studio Whore Quote: "A knuckle-biter from beginning to end! You'll never guess whodunit in this stylish thriller!"
Monster-in-Law
Stars: Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Michael Vartan
Director: Robert Luketic
Plot: Charlotte's love life is a string of bad dates until she meets the perfect man. Too bad his mother will do anything to destroy the relationship. If only Mrs. Affleck had been so perceptive.
Studio Whore Quote: "A perfect marriage of laughs between Fonda and Lopez!"
Unleashed
Stars: Jet Li, Bob Hoskins, Morgan Freeman
Director: Louis Leterrier
Plot: Raised as a fighting "dog" by Hoskins, Li learns from Freeman what life as a person is like. Beware any movie with ads touting the rap groups on the soundtrack.
Studio Whore Quote: "Unleashed is bow-wow-erfic!"
Star Wars: Episode III—The Revenge of the Sith
Stars: Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor
Director: George Lucas
Plot: In the final installment of Lucas' prequel trilogy, Anakin Skywalker finally succumbs to the dark side and becomes Darth Vader.
Studio Whore Quote: "The best movie made in the history of ever!"
The Longest Yard
Stars: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds
Director: Peter Segal
Plot: A football team of convicts plays a team of prison guards. Just remember, you're rooting for the rapists, murderers and pedophiles to win.
Studio Whore Quote: "The hardest hitting, longest laughing movie of the summer!"
Madagascar
Stars: Voices of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer
Director: Eric Darnell and Tom McGrath
Plot: Computer-animated tale of funny animals voiced by celebrities who escape a zoo (the animals, not the celebrities).
Studio Whore Quote: "Funnier than Shrek and Shark Tale put together!"
Cinderella Man
Stars: Russell Crowe, Renee Zellweger, Paul Giamatti
Director: Ron Howard
Plot: Howard, Crowe and producer Brian Grazer (A Beautiful Mind) unite for another uplifting true story about a guy who overcomes something and then wins a bunch of Oscars. In this case, it's a boxer in Depression-era New Jersey.
Studio Whore Quote: "Cinderella Man is a knock-out!"
High Tension
Stars: Cécile De France, Maïwenn Le Besco, Philippe Nahon
Director: Alexandre Aja
Plot: This French horror movie, a sensation in its native country, follows a killer tracking two girls at a country farmhouse.
Studio Whore Quote: "Scarier than 100 unwashed Frenchmen!"
Lords of Dogtown
Stars: Heath Ledger, Emile Hirsch, Johnny Knoxville
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Plot: Young skateboarders hone their skills in empty swimming pools and create an international sensation. Like Blue Crush but with skinned knees instead of skin.
Studio Whore Quote: "Gnarly, dude!"
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Stars: Amber Tamblyn, Jenna Boyd, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel
Director: Ken Kwapis
Plot: Girlfriends stay in touch by passing around a pair of jeans that fits each one perfectly. We're hoping the sequel involves a lacy bra and panties set.
Studio Whore Quote: "Move over, Ya Ya, a new sisterhood has stolen America's heart!"
The Adventures of Shark Boy & Lava Girl in 3-D
Stars: David Arquette, Kristin Davis, Cayden Boyd
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Plot: A young boy's imaginary friend comes to life and takes him on a series of adventures. Probably not as gory as Rodriguez's Sin City.
Studio Whore Quote: "A heartwarming tale for all ages!"
The Honeymooners
Stars: Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Gabrielle Union, Regina Hall
Director: John Schultz
Plot: A big-screen remake of the famous TV series about a bus driver trying to outsmart life and his best friend, a sewer worker. Threats of spousal abuse were funnier in the '50s.
Studio Whore Quote: "Cedric the Entertainer goes straight to the moon!"
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Stars: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie
Director: Doug Liman
Plot: Pitt and Jolie play a boring married couple who discover they are both secret agents assigned to kill one another. Also, the stars may or may not have hooked up during filming.
Studio Whore Quote: "Pitt and Jolie are the hottest couple since Pitt and Aniston!"
Batman Begins
Stars: Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson
Director: Christopher Nolan
Plot: The Caped Crusader returns in a tale that explores the early days of his crime-fighting career.
Studio Whore Quote: "The bat is back!"
The Perfect Man
Stars: Hillary Duff, Heather Locklear, Aria Wallace
Director: Mark Rosman
Plot: Two girls plot to find the perfect man for their recently divorced mother.
Studio Whore Quote: "Duff and Locklear is a pairing for the ages!"
Bewitched
Stars: Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell
Director: Nora Ephron
Plot: Ferrell plays an actor playing Bewitched's Darrin who unknowingly recruits a real witch to play Samantha. Post-modern deconstructionist takes on old sitcoms is surely one of the signs of Armageddon.
Studio Whore Quote: "Ferrell and Kidman are pure magic!"
Herbie: Fully Loaded
Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Matt Dillon, Breckin Meyer
Director: Angela Robinson
Plot: Remake of the Disney "classic" about a VW Bug with a mind of its own.
Studio Whore Quote: "Herbie is fully loaded—with laughs!"
Land of the Dead
Stars: John Leguizamo, Asia Argento, Simon Baker
Director: George A. Romero
Plot: The survival of the last humans in a zombie-controlled world is threatened when one man revolts against the way the walled city is governed. Won't liberals ever learn?
Studio Whore Quote: "Romero is back and wants your brains!"
War of the Worlds
Stars: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, Tom Robbins
Director: Steven Spielberg
Plot: A family fights to survive as Martians invade the Earth. Thanks to CGI, Orson Welles guest stars as the moon.
Studio Whore Quote: "Spielberg and Cruise declare war on the summer box office ... and win!"
Rebound
Stars: Martin Lawrence, Breckin Meyer, Patrick Warburton
Director: Steve Carr
Plot: Lawrence is a volatile college basketball coach demoted to coaching middle schoolers. Wackiness ensues.
Studio Whore Quote: "Rebound is a slam dunk!"
Dark Water
Stars: Jennifer Connelly, Ariel Gade
Director: Walter Salles
Plot: A mother in a custody dispute hides out with her daughter in a decrepit apartment building that's haunted. As if low-income housing wasn't bad enough before.
Studio Whore Quote: "This Japanese horror remake will leave you gasping for air!"
Fantastic Four
Stars: Ioan Gruffudd, Michael Chiklis, Jessica Alba
Director: Tim Story
Plot: The Marvel Comics family of superheroes gets its own movie in which it faces off against the villainous Dr. Doom.
Studio Whore Quote: "Fantastic Four is four times the fun!"
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Stars: Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore, Helena Bonham Carter
Director: Tim Burton
Plot: This adaptation of the classic children's novel follows young Charlie as he wins a tour of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.
Studio Whore Quote: "A sweet treat for the whole family!"
The Wedding Crashers
Stars: Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams
Director: David Dobkin
Plot: Vaughn and Wilson play two louts who pick up chicks at weddings.
Studio Whore Quote: "The Wedding Crashers is the perfect marriage of humor and heart!"
The Bad News Bears
Stars: Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear, Marcia Gay Harden
Director: Richard Linklater
Plot: School of Rock's director and Bad Santa's writers unite to remake the story of a grizzled Little League coach tries to turn a team of rejects into winners.
Studio Whore Quote: "Thornton hits this one out of the park!"
The Devil's Rejects
Stars: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon
Director: Rob Zombie
Plot: The sequel to Zombie's retro horror flick, House of 1000 Corpses, finds the murderous, inbred family on a cross-country killing spree.
Studio Whore Quote: "Devilishly entertaining!"
The Island
Stars: Scarlett Johansson, Ewan McGregor, Djimon Hounsou
Director: Michael Bay
Plot: A man learns he's a clone destined for organ harvesting and tries to escape, helped by a woman pregnant with her "sponsor's" child.
Studio Whore Quote: "A thrill-a-minute chilling vision of the future!"
The Brothers Grimm
Stars: Matt Damon, Heath Ledger, Jonathan Pryce
Director:Terry Gilliam
Plot: The famous fairy tale-spinning brothers encounter actual magical creatures.
Studio Whore Quote: "Once upon a time, there was a great movie—called The Brothers Grimm!"
Must Love Dogs
Stars: Diane Lane, John Cusack, Elizabeth Perkins
Director: Gary David Goldberg
Plot: A woman's family enter her into several online dating programs. Wackiness ensues.
Studio Whore Quote: "Diane Lane is the patron saint of middle-aged women everywhere!"
Sky High
Stars: Michael Angarano, Danielle Panabaker, Kurt Russell
Director:Mike Mitchell
Plot: In a world full of superheroes, being a teenager is still difficult.
Studio Whore Quote: "High-flying excitement!"
Stealth
Stars: Jamie Foxx, Jessica Biel, Josh Lucas
Director: Rob Cohen
Plot: Foxx follows his Oscar win with a movie about a killer robot airplane.
Studio Whore Quote: "Stealth sneaks up on you—with thrills!"
3001
Stars: Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph, Dax Shepard
Director: Mike Judge
Plot: An average GI gets sent into the future where he discovers he's the smartest person on the Earth.
Studio Whore Quote: "A thousand times funnier than 2001!"
The Dukes of Hazzard
Stars: Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Jessica Simpson
Director: Jay Chandrasekhar
Plot: A country family clashes with bumbling cops and a corrupt town leader. Willie "Tokin'" Nelson plays Uncle Jesse, leading us to think it might not be moonshine in the General Lee's trunk.
Studio Whore Quote: The South has risen again—with laughs!"
The Pink Panther
Stars: Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Jean Reno
Director: Shawn Levy
Plot: Inspector Clouseau works to solve a famous soccer coach's murder and recover the Pink Panther diamond. Martin might succeed where Roberto Benigni failed.
Studio Whore Quote: "Martin succeeds where Roberto Benigni failed!"
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Stars: Rob Schneider, Eddie Griffin
Director: Mike Bigelow
Plot: Deuce becomes a man-whore again, but in Amsterdam this time. The Dutch are funny!
Studio Whore Quote: "Deuce rules the gigolo roost!"
Four Brothers
Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Tyrese Gibson, Andre Benjamin, Garrett Hedlund
Director: John Singleton
Plot: Four brothers join together to avenge their mother's death.
Studio Whore Quote: "Singleton is back in the hood!"
The Skeleton Key
Stars: Kate Hudson, Gena Rowlands
Director: Iain Softley
Plot: Your standard haunted house movie.
Studio Whore Quote: "Scarier than [insert last summer's haunted house movie]!"
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Stars: Steve Carrell, Catherine Keener
Director: Judd Apatow
Plot: Coaxed out of a vow of chastity, a man starts dating a single mom in a mutual no-sex relationship.
Studio Whore Quote: "Move over, Will Ferrell, Carrell's in town!"
Valiant
Stars: Voices of Ewan McGregor, Ben Kingsley, Jim Broadbent
Director: Gary Chapman
Plot: Animated tale of a plucky pigeon who becomes a hero of the British army in World War II.
Studio Whore Quote: "A heartwarming tale for all ages!"
The Cave
Stars: Piper Perabo, Morris Chestnut
Director: Bruce Hunt
Plot: Divers trapped in a maze of underwater caves encounter bloodthirsty creatures. Really, are there any other kinds of creatures?
Studio Whore Quote: "Does for spelunking what Jaws did for beaches!"