I was taught at a young age not to believe everything I read. Even the published word can't always be trusted.
Example: I'm in line at the grocery checkout recently and a woman in front of me is looking at a tabloid paper and says, "I can't believe this paper has the largest circulation of any paper in America."
As a lifetime print journalist, I can't resist jumping into the conversation.
"How do you know that the rag you're holding has the largest circulation of any paper?" I ask her. It's a rhetorical question of sorts, as I can see those same words printed on its cover. But when you're stuck in a grocery store checkout line, self-amusement is a survival tool.
"Because it says so, right here," she says, on cue. At this moment I feel like the volleyball player just after a teammate has set the ball up, and just before the spike. It's all timing and delivery from here.
"Ah, so it does. Right above the really big headline that says 'Elvis found alive in Montana—King sells beer at high-school football games.' Sorry to have questioned you."
Separating fact from fiction—or at least correcting obvious fact errors—is part of my life. That's why, when I looked at the NFL standings this week, I started making calls.
I tried NFL headquarters, NFL.com, and a couple of newspapers, and they all insist, despite all conventional logic, that what I am about to repeat here is not a misprint:
The Cincinnati Bengals are 4-0.
I know, I know, I can't come to grips with it either. I've asked for a recount from the league. This is, after all, a franchise that has not had a winning season since 1990. As it was, the Bengals were only 9-7 that season.
Sure, after back-to-back seasons of 8-8 records, and with new young stars such as former Heisman Trophy winner Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, Rudi Johnson and T.J. Houshmanzdazeh (gesundheit?) leading an offense that is averaging 26 points per game, maybe these guys are for real and should be taken seriously. But 15 years of ineptitude is hard to forget.
Even the sports books are nonbelievers. Despite its unblemished record, Cincinnati is nearly a field-goal underdog at Jacksonville this week (a team that didn't exist the last time the Bengals ended a campaign above the .500 mark). The Jaguars are 2-2 and coming off a home loss to Denver. Rodney Dangerfield got more respect.
Maybe if they could just get Elvis to be a vendor for a few home games ...
Picks: My picks were "inadvertently" omitted last week (see letters page for a recap), which I chalk up to good editorial judgment. This week, I'll take the Eagles –3 at Dallas, the Broncos –6 12 vs. Washington and the Steelers +3 at San Diego.
Celebrity update: Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, and KLAS Channel 8 meteorologist Kevin Janison are atop the leader board through four weeks with 7-5 records.
Lance Burton (5-7)
Eagles -3 over Cowboys
Broncos -7 over Redskins
Chargers -3 over Steelers
Danny Gans (4-8)
Colts -14 at 49ers
Panthers -2 1/2 at Cardinals
Eagles -3 at Cowboys
Oscar Goodman (2-10)
Buccaneers -3 1/2 at Jets
Broncos -7 vs. Redskins
Chargers -3 vs. Steelers
Clint Holmes (6-5-1)
Redskins +7 over Broncos
Eagles -3 over Cowboys
Bills -2 1/2 over Dolphins
Kevin Janison (7-5)
Ravens +1 1/2 vs. Lions
Broncos-Redskins over 34 1/2
Dolphins +2 1/2 vs. Bills
Mark & Mercedes (4-7-1)
Packers -3 vs. Saints
Browns -3 vs. Bears
Chargers -3 vs. Steelers
Wayne Newton (7-5)
Redskins +7 at Broncos
Colts-49ers under 47
Dolphins +2 1/2 at Bills
Penn & Teller (5-7)
Eagles -3 at Cowboys
Falcons -3 vs. Patriots
Steelers +3 at Chargers
Rita Rudner (5-7)
Eagles -3 over Cowboys
Panthers -2 1/2 over Cardinals
Steelers +3 over Chargers
Sal DeFilippo can really move outside of the pocket before tossing that pigskin.