First Six Items That Popped Up on e-Bay When Searching "Vegas"
1. Barry Manilow Stage Seat in Vegas for 10/29, $247.50
2. Four-Piece Lot of Scrapbook Stickers-Las Vegas, $1.04
3. Las Vegas Style Poker & BlackJack Folding Tabletop, $.01
4. Rockabilly Vegas '80s shirt, men's, $26.99
5. Support Hells Angels Las Vegas Poker Run T-Shirt, Red, $5
6. Ford Mustang Las Vegas Cards Tin, $6.55
11 Reasons To Lower the Price of Buffets
Total compensation in 2004:
1. Station Casinos Chairman Frank Fertitta III, $94.7 million
2. Station Casinos President Lorenzo Fertitta, $48 million.
3 Las Vegas Sands Chief Executive Sheldon Adelson, $31.6 million (salary and bonus)
4. Boyd Gaming Corp. Chief Executive Bill Boyd, $28.8 million
5. MGM Mirage Chief Executive Terry Lanni, $21.8 million.
6. Station Casinos Chief Operating Officer William Warner, $20.5 million
7. Station Casinos Chief Development Officer Scott Nielson, $16.1 million.
8. Sierra Health Services Inc. Chief Executive Anthony Marlon, $16 million.
9. Las Vegas Sands Corp. President and Chief Operating Officer William Weidner, $14.5 million.
10. Las Vegas Sands Corp. Executive Vice President Bradley Stone, $14.5 million.
11. Sands Senior Vice President Robert Goldstein, $13.5 million.
(Source: In Business Las Vegas)
Stars Who Should Join Elton and Celine as Regulars in Town:
1. Rod Stewart
2. Snoop (Note to casino management: contract must waive drug test)
3. Oprah
4. The living remains of the Rolling Stones (Note to casino management: contract must waive drug test)
Six Questions That Answer Themselves (From Last Sunday's New York Times)
1. "Has a zeal for budget cuts undermined public safety?"
2. "Is Internet porn changing American male sexuality for the worse?"
3. "How could rescue workers have barred pets from helicopters and shelters?"
4. "Would it hurt you to drive a car with two fewer cylinders?"
5. "If government fails, do we need more?"
6. "Poverty and levees are the focus now. Why weren't they before?"
Now Playing on the Elevators in Hell
1. The original score for Storm, the former show at Mandalay Bay
2. Barry Manilow (Excuse us, that would be the elevators at the Hilton.)
3. Garth Brooks and his alias, Chris Gaines
4. Michael Jackson
Five Things I Thought But Didn't Say
1. What I Thought: "What do I want? How much time ya got, cupcake: I want a world in which little old ladies stay out of the fast lane. In which Jamaican bobsledders actually win. In which we're winning the war on canned haggis. In which the Denver Broncos don't suck. Call me a crazy dreamer, kiddo, but that's the kind of better world I want—for all of us."
What I Said: "I'll take the cheese omelet, I guess. Sourdough toast."
(At the Omelet House, August 27, 2005)
2. What I Thought: "Argh ... another bruising day in the eternal process of helping the proletariat seize the means of production from the bloody hands of the bourgeoisie ... This is killin' me ..."
What I Said: "Honey, I'm home!"
(Conversation, September 3, 2005)
3. What I Thought: "This is outrageous! It's nothing more than another form of welfare, in which slackards are rewarded for not working, for shirking personal responsibility, for indulging in indolence instead of initiative, and me and my hard-earned dollars will not be part of it!"
What I Said: "All I have is five bucks."
(Son asks for money, September 10)
4. What I Thought: "Mmm, meat loa ..."
What I Said: "To Plato, ultimate truth lies in a transcendental realm of pure forms, of which our visible world is only a pale imitation—and language, by assigning arbitrary arrangements of letters to what we see—a T, an R, an E and an E to an organic growth we've decided to call a 'tree'—well, you can see why Plato thinks language is just a pale imitation of a pale imitation ..."
(Dinner with friends, Magic Star Casino, September 7)
5. What I Thought: "No."
What I Said: "Yes."
(Border's clerk asks if I want to receive their e-mail newsletter, August 31)
Lists That Will Not Appear in the Weekly's List Issue for Sad, Sad Reasons
1. Five Busiest Supermarkets in West Las Vegas
2. Ten Lowest-Paid Strip Casino Executives
3. Eight Ways to Taxpayer-Financed Pay Dirt, by Scott Gragson
4. Worst-Performing Strip Clubs
5. Most Affordable Neighborhoods for the Working Class
Most Insightful Hilary Duff Lyrics
1. "You're queen of superficiality / Keep your lies out of my reality"
—"Haters," Hilary Duff
2. "And who knows what you think / About your silly little thing / I do, I do"
—"Supergirl," Most Wanted
3. "I don't wanna save the day/ I just wanna get my way and / Rock this world"
—"Rock This World," Most Wanted
Reasons Not to Do the List Issue
1. Overwhelming need for more nap time
2. Keyboards contaminated with E. coli virus
3. Weekly's office bar opens its happy hour in 40 minutes
4. Can't possibly justify putting a hot model on the cover
Classic Episodes of The Casino
1. That one where the Trashy Lingerie models show up and the tall guy and the short guy pretend that it wasn't all set up by the show's producers in advance? Ha! Man, that was classic!
Best Carrot Top Props
1. Giant backpack from the McCarren Airport video
2. Prophetic wedding cake for Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck with an Etch-A-Sketch on top so she can change the name
3. Whitney Houston microphone with bong
4. Freaky eyebrows
Sexiest Homeless People in Film
Jane Birkin, The Last September
Charlie Chaplin's the Tramp
Peter Sellers, Being There
Mena Suvari, Loser
Nick Nolte, Down and Out in Beverly Hills
Angie Dickinson, Pay It Forward
Will Smith, Six Degrees of Separation
Alisan Porter as Curly Sue (OK, not sexy but pretty darn cute)
Lies I Have Told Hairdressers
1. No, I didn't cut it myself.
2. OK, my friend and I got drunk and I let her cut it. Whoops.
3. This is my natural color, basically.
4. Yeah, I've got big plans this weekend, my life is one big party, woohoo.
5. I'm (five years younger than I am).
6. Oh yes, that looks great. Thanks. I love it, really. Really.
Real Things the Old Testament Says:
1. "If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he must be put to death, and you must kill the animal." (Leviticus 20:15).
2. "If a priest's daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father, she must be burned in the fire." (Leviticus 21: 9)
3. "If one of your countrymen becomes poor ... you must not lend him money at interest or sell him food at a profit." (Leviticus 25: 35-37)
4. "If a person sins because he does not speak up when he hears a public charge to testify about something he has seen or learned about ... or if a person touches anything ceremonially unclean—whether ... unclean livestock or unclean creatures that move along the ground ... or if he touches human uncleanness ... even if he is unaware of it ... when anyone is guilty in any of these ways ... he must bring to the Lord a female lamb or goat from the flock as a sin offering ... If he cannot afford a lamb, he is to bring two doves and two young pigeons ... He is to bring them to the priest, who shall ... wring its head from its neck, not severing it completely, and is to sprinkle some of the blood of the sin offering against the side of the altar; the rest of the blood must be drained out at the base of the altar. (Leviticus 5: 1-13)
(Quotes are from the New International Version)
List of People Who Have Never Heard of Steve Wynn:
1.
2.
3.
In Case You Haven't Seen Enough Vegas Reality Shows, Here's a List of Ones We'd Like To See
1. Sonja's Wink!, the series
2. The inner life of Steve Wynn
3. The Defendant: Being Lance Malone
Real Reasons Police Officers Have Pulled Me Over and the Reasons I Didn't Get a Ticket.
1.
Hello, Miss ... I noticed you were swerving. Yes I was. But my brake pads are shot, and on this downhill area behind that slow car, I was trying to slow down by swerving to and fro rather than just riding the brakes, you know? To save the brake pads. OK. That's not a great idea. I know, I know, but I've got a long trip ahead and I'll need the brakes later, I'm sure. Get your brakes fixed. OK, I will. I promise. As soon as I get back from Phoenix. Well don't swerve anymore. And drive safely. Have a nice day.
2.
Do you know why I pulled you over? I'm going too fast? Yes, you're in a school zone. Oh my God, I'm in a school zone!? I totally missed that. I'm so sorry. We've been stopping people here all day to remind them. You'd be surprised how few people notice all of these kids. I mean they're everywhere. There must be dozens. Maybe more. And there's a crossing guard. Didn't you see her? Um, actually—wow, I'm so sorry. It's dangerous. So please, slow down. I will. OK, Have a nice day.
3.
Do you know how fast you were going? No, I really don't. OK, I clocked you at more than 45 mph and this is a 35 mph zone ... (license, registration, yada yada) ... What are you doing in Boulder City today, Miss? I was just looking at real estate. Oh, really?! Thinking of moving here? It's a wonderful place. Much less hectic than Las Vegas, and much less crime—it's just a great place to live. Yes, I think it's very charming. OK, well, I'm not going to cite you today, but slow it down, OK? Yes, I will, thank you. And maybe I'll see you when you move out here one day. Have a nice day!
Most Memorable Kenny Guinn Quotes
1. "Nevada continues to show economic stability with its desirable business climate and booming tourism sector."
2. "Nevada continues to show economic stability with its desirable business climate and booming tourism sector."
3. "Nevada continues to show economic stability with its desirable business climate and booming tourism sector." —Source: Las Vegas Sun
Modern Day Salaries of TV Stars (Stolen Directly From the Atlantic Monthly)
1. J.R. Ewing (Dallas), CEO, $636,904
2. Sandy Cohen (The OC), Lawyer, $150,693
3. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons), Nuclear safety inspector, $65,346
4. Ward Cleaver (Leave It To Beaver), Accountant, $46,835
5. Fred Flintstone (The Flintstones) Quarry crane operator, $37,518
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Day 1. Order the lobster every time you go out—even to La Salsa.
Day 2. Introduce him to your girlfriends and be sure to mention that little "control" problem he has.
Day 3. Tell him you want a threesome—with him and his best friend.
Day 4. When he comes to your home, be sure to have signed posters from male revue shows on the walls.
Day 5. Tell him you've always wanted a large family, and as soon as possible.
Day 6. Show lots of interest in his finances; he'll find it flattering.
Day 7. At the first opportunity, crash his car into a wall.
Day 8. Don't return any calls or e-mails and then complain he doesn't call enough.
Day 9. Remind him you still want that threesome.
Day 10. Propose.
Themed Strip Clubs We'd Like to See
1. Ye Olde Strip Club
2. Poker Club. Cuz you can do strip poker for real
3. Jenna Jameson (Maybe after the indictments you can buy the Crazy Horse Too for cheap and come home, girl!)
Business Terms That Could Mean Something Else
Bake Your Noodle: Provide a needed service as a favor.
Balloon Juice: The constant bragging from an employee stuck on himself.
Banana Problem: A project so simple a gorilla could do it.
Bare Pilgrim: A naïve investor who loses everything.
Bee With a Bone: A person obsessed with something that's not his concern and out of his league.
Bo Derek: A perfect investment.
Chipmunking: Typing with your thumbs on your PDA in a meeting.
Clinton Bond: A bond without principle, interest or maturity.
Dirt In The Oyster: A gem waiting to grow and be discovered.
Drill Down: An effort to understand more of a business plan.
Foam The Runway: A last-minute infusion of capital arranged by a near-bankrupt company.
Jennifer Lopez or J-Lo: A rounding bottom in a stock's price pattern.
The Lick Log: Something that brings together adversaries, if only temporarily.
Mouse Milking: A project that requires maximum effort for minimum return.
See Some Wood: Get backlogged tasks done.
Sticky Bottom: Entry level position with little chance of promotion.
Weeny Window: A tiny window on a cell phone or other gadget.
Woody: A strong, quick, upward movement in the market (OK, maybe that one does mean what you think it does).
From Green Weenies and Due Diligence by Ron Sturgeon, $28.95
A Dozen Plots We'd Like To See On The More 'Interpersonal' CSI This Season:
1. Catherine does Warrick.
2. Catherine does Nick.
3. Warrick does Nick.
4. Nick does Greg and Warrick.
5. Greg tries to do Catherine but is too much of a dweeb, failing to rise to the occasion.
6. Greg does Sara, who barely notices she's being done.
7. Sara does Nick and Warrick.
8. Sara does Catherine.
9. Catherine does Sara.
10. Sara and Catherine do each other.
11. Gil does himself while fantasizing about his bug collection.
12. In the season finale, directed by Quentin Tarantino, everyone does Capt. Brass.
Most Interesting Business Cards in My Two Rolodexes, by Martin Stein
1. Cees de Kok and Cathy Perquin of Aerial Adage
Husband-and-wife aerialist team—how cool is that?
2. Jesse Garon of the Art Bar
It's metal!
3. David Caldwell, Chippendales general manager
It's shiny!
4. Jerry Olivarez, Brendan Theatres director of PR
It's shiny and laminated!
5. Desiree Diaz, Weekly cover model and Maxim Hometown Hottie finalist
C'mon, do I really need to explain this one?
6. Alex Frazier, Bartholomew Rocket Design
Made to look like an old airline ticket, with Frazier's info actually stamped on with ink. It's old- school, bra!
7. Zev Neuwirth, president of Gravure Atlantic/Bridal
Big, gold and embossed. The card, not Zev.
8. Adam Nixon, Human Events (Tabú's Fusion, Hard Rock's Rehab, Body English's Sunday nights)
"Part Time Celebrity"
9. Mike T. Kalbach, Sapphire and Olympic Garden VIP services
Because you just never know
10. Monti Rock III, columnist, publicist and "World's Greatest Entreprenwhore"
A full-color rainbow over Monti on one side, a pink and purple hypnotic swirl behind him on the other
11. David Sandford, art director, videographer, pornographer
He's a friend. Honest!
Titles of July Press Releases by the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department
07-19-2005: Child Shot
07-07-2005: LVMPD Response to London Attacks
07-07-2005: Accident at Lake Mead and Arpa
07-07-2005: Accident at Decatur and Vegas
07-07-2005: Accident at Bonanza and Ringwood
07-07-2005: Accident at Bonanza and MLK
07-06-2005: Suspect Arrested in Double Stabbing
07-06-2005: Murder on 7-2-05 —Location Unknown
07-06-2005: Convenience Store Shooting
07-05-2005: Home Invasion
07-02-2005: Homicide at 1600 Block of Cordoba
07-02-2005: Homicide at 1200 Block of E Ogden: Updated
07-02-2005: Homicide at 1200 Block of E. Ogden
Ad Slogan: The Next Generation
1. What happens here ... will kick off the next installment of Taxicab Confessions.
2. What happens here ... wouldn't keep happening if only you'd do a little research on STDs.
3. What happens here ... will finally answer the question of where those missing WMDs are when you see the next hotel implosion to beat all hotel implosions.
4. What happens here ... will be photographed, juxtaposed with a barely clad babe and become a Las Vegas Weekly cover.
5. What happens here ... isn't CSI or Las Vegas, which are both shot mostly in California.
6. What happens here ... will soon become a movie starring Nic Cage.
7. What happens here ... is that you finally cut loose and have a great time for once in your life, you fish-faced little geek!
10. What happens here ... becomes WHO happened here nine months after you get home.
Hand Gestures Used by County Manager Thom Reilly at a Recent Meeting, and Interpretations of Their Meaning, by Scott Dickensheets
Potential Lawsuit Targets for R&R Partners
1. Vegas Passport ("What happens in Vegas ... doesn't happen waiting in line.")
2. Cheetah's ("What happens in Vegas, happens at Cheetah's.")
3. The Palms ("What happens at the Palms never happened.")
4. Country singer Phil Vassar (song, "What Happens in Vegas")
5. Every drunken moron on a Vegas-based reality TV show.
More Real Ad Slogans: Give It Up Already!
"What happens on TNT, stays on TNT" (promo for Las Vegas reruns).
"What happens in D.C. shouldn't stay in D.C." (CNN promo).
Possible Replacements If the Following Avenue Q Puppets Go On Strike
1. Lucy the Slut—Frank Marino
2. Porn-Addicted Trekkie Monster—Wayne Newton
3. Rod, the Closeted Gay Republican—Oscar Goodman
4. Princeton, the innocent, naive new neighbor—Monti Rock III
5. Old biddy Mrs. Thistletwat—Celine Dion
Possible Replacement of a Human Avenue Q Character
Gary Coleman—Kermit
Dumb Questions TV Reporters Asked
"How bad has this hurricane been?" CNN
"Were you sad to leave your pets behind?" CNN
"How does it feel to have lost your house?" Fox
Best Question a TV Reporter Ever Asked
"Who are you and where are you going?" (To a renowned trial defendant outside courthouse; on The Simpsons)
15 (More) Proposed Capital of the World Titles For Our Fair City
1. Oscar Goodman Capital of the World
2.Apartment-to-Condo Conversion Capital of the World
3. Celebrity Chef Capital of the World
4. Lack of Trees Per Square Mile Capital of the World
5. World Market Center Capital of the World
6. Convoluted Governor's Race Capital of the World
7. Unconcern About Pedestrian Safety Capital of the World
8. Billion-Dollar Casino/Casino-Condo/Casino-High-Rise Project Announced Every Quarter Capital of the World
9. Wait Until Social Service Infrastructure is in Crisis Mode Before Taking It Seriously Capital of the World
10. Tax Breaks and Government Incentives to Spur Economic Development Capital of the World
11. Nellis Air Force Base Capital of the World
12. Direct Largest Share of Tobacco Settlement Money to Struggling Scholarship Program and Not to Tobacco Cessation Programs Capital of the World
13. Inability to Transition to Renewable Resources Capital of the World
14. Celebrity, Pseudo-Celebrity and Wannabe Celebrity (i.e., Reality TV Persona) Sighting Capital of the World
15. Steve Wynn Capital of the World
10 Things That Wouldn't Otherwise Have Made This Issue But That We Felt Like Mentioning
1. Illegal hands to the face
2. Samurai obstetrician!
3. Mumblety-Peg with the Mayor!
4. Sack of cats
5. The Da Vinci Commode
6. Monday Night Shotgun Ball
7. "Hi, I'm Elle MacPherson; ready for your upper GI?"
8. Woodward and the Berenstain Bears
9. The Home and Boil Channel
10. "Hi, I'm Rush Limbaugh; why, yes, I *am* ready for my upper GI."