Secret Santa
1
RECIPIENT: That person at the end of the bar you'd like to sleep with GIFT: P.I.N.K. Vodka
WHERE TO GET IT: Perfectpartyspirit.com
THE GIST: The 40 percent alcohol by volume gets 'em drunk; the caffeine and guarana keep them lively. Basically, it's Red Bull and vodka packaged in a bottle that looks as if it should contain a super-premium sex lube. Which, of course, it does. Genius!
RECIPIENT: Potential client
GIFT: Custom-printed toilet paper
WHERE TO GET IT: Printedtp.com
The GIST: Every year, American corporations honor the Christ child by exchanging premium cheese logs with each other. This is simply good business practice: What better way to soften memories of 12 months of lackluster service than a Grand Sausage Gift Box from Hickory Farms? But don't forget to think strategically at this important time of year. Pick out a classy card, forge a warm holiday greeting from your main competitor's VP of marketing, and send out a year's supply of toilet paper imprinted with its logo to its major accounts. Inevitably, those accounts will begin to wonder why they're in business with a company they wipe their asses with every day. That's when you make your sales call.
2
RECIPIENT: Your depressed Christian Scientist roommate
GIFT: Smiley, the anti-depressant perfume
WHERE TO GET IT: Happytherapy.com
THE GIST: Sure, on paper, renting a room in a depressed Christian Scientist's condo sounded like a great idea. She wouldn't make a lot of noise, wouldn't steal your drugs, etc. But now it's been three months since she's taken a shower, she won't see a shrink and the whole condo smells like you're living inside the ass of a rotting sea lion. Time for some Smiley, which claims to offer "prescription-free happiness" via "natural bio-chemistry combining theobromine with phenylethylamine derived from pure cocoa extract." Since it's not really medicine, she should have no qualms about using it. And even if it doesn't really work, at least the sea-lion stench will have hints of pure cocoa.
3
RECIPIENT: Your soon-to-be ex GIFT: Chompions breakfast cereal for dogs
WHERE TO GET IT: Bowwowbreakfast.com
Your soon-to-be ex: "This is breakfast cereal for dogs." You: "Yeah." Your soon-to-be ex: "But I don't have a dog." You: "I know." Break-up accomplished!
RECIPIENT: Your employees
GIFT: Pit-Stop On-Board Urinal System
WHERE TO GET IT: Pitstopinfo.com
THE GIST: You already give your employees the day off for Christmas—and they want more, too? If you have to give them a gift, at least give them something that makes them more productive. The Pit-Stop On-Board Urinal System is designed for truckers, but it works great for cubicle workers, too. Equipped with their very own 1.25-gallon tank and 5-foot transfer hose, your customer-service reps can drink Red Bull by the quart yet still have no excuse to leave their desks.
4
RECIPIENT: That thick-necked crone in accounts payable who's always hassling you GIFT: "I'm Not a Tranny" Natural Cherry Tarts
WHERE TO GET IT: Blueq.com
THE GIST: The workplace tradition known as Secret Santa poses a real dilemma to office misanthropes. Yes, it gives you the perfect opportunity to taunt that thick-necked crone in accounts payable without repercussions from the HR department. But you also have to spend money on that thick-necked crone in accounts payable. The solution? A pack of "I'm Not a Tranny" Natural Cherry Tarts. The implication? That she looks enough like a tranny that someone thought she'd find these things useful. For only $2.75, you can totally ruin her day.
RECIPIENT: Your conformist, trend-following child
GIFT: GR8 TaT2 Maker
WHERE TO GET IT: Etoys.com
THE GIST: It's pretty much inevitable. Even if you're the parent of a child with great promise, eventually you'll be the parent of a teen with ridiculously embarrassing tattoos. Unless, of course, you're able to transform the act of getting a real tattoo from a cool rite of passage into adulthood into a horrible reminder of childhood misery. Here's how it works: Get your tyke a GR8 TaT2 Maker, an "electronic tattoo pen" for 6- to 12-year-olds that uses "safe pulsating action" to create "realistic, washable designs with dramatic effects." When your child shows off his/her creations, say, "Nice lame-ass dollar sign on your bicep, chump. What, were you drunk?" Repeat often, and your child will remain ink-free for life.
RECIPIENT: Your irresponsible child
GIFT: Barbie Forever Barbie Doll with Tanner the Dog
WHERE TO GET IT: Amazon.com
THE GIST: America has the world's largest, most expensive sewage system. America also has the world's largest population of pet dogs. Thus, there's actually less crap in the crap-filled alleys of Lagos than there is on a typical American city street. But can you really blame lazy, irresponsible, totally selfish dog owners for not picking up after their pets when no one drilled the necessity of doing so into their heads when they were young? So get your own child one of these Barbies. It comes with a dog, a magnetic poop scooper and little metal turds. In an extremely questionable corporate decision to cut costs, the little metal turds also double as the dog's food. So you actually end up training your child to be a coprophiliac, too. But is that the worst thing in the world? Think of the clean streets!
5
RECIPIENT: George W. Bush GIFT: George W. Bush butt plug
WHERE TO GET IT: Celebritybuttplugs.com
THE GIST: If you're president of the United States, every day is Christmas. President Bush receives an average of 1,000 gifts a month, and not just a bunch of pears from Harry & David, either. People give him $5,000 bicycles, $400 cowboy hats, $14,000 shotguns. And as far as we're concerned, the more the merrier—any time he spends falling off his bike is time he spends not being president. And that's a gift everyone can enjoy! Still, he ends up working some of the time, and that's where our gift suggestion comes in. Give him a butt plug bearing his own likeness, so he can take his real head out of his ass when he's working, and yet still have ... well, you get it.
RECIPIENT: Anyone
GIFT: Singing Christmas Coal
WHERE TO GET IT: Lighterside.com
THE GIST: Alone for Christmas? Broke, depressed, and wondering where your life went off course, and why an angel in the form of some B-list Hollywood actor never shows up in your house on Christmas Eve to give you a second chance to make things right? Then buy someone this Singing Christmas Coal— "sound-activated rubberized lump of coal [that] bounces AND sings (in a grumpy voice) an original song about being bad and getting coal for Christmas!"—and rejoice in the knowledge that you've brought someone else down a little closer to your level.