1/ Local parties hold mock caucuses. Because quality mockery takes practice.
2/ County estimated to grow by 85,000 residents a year until 2019. Then California hotel-casino discontinues 99-cent shrimp cocktail. Everyone leaves.
3/ Lake Mead drops to 48 percent capacity after eight years of drought. Ha! Joke’s on you, 2019!
4/ Wolfgang Puck to help schools plan healthier lunches. Let the shallot jokes begin!
5/ 42,000 cowboys descend on LV for rodeo. “Actually,” says one, “we’re really here for the shallots.”
6/ Visiting Brits behave boorishly during Mayweather-Hatton fight. Weird; they seemed so civilized at soccer matches.
7/ LV ranks 50th on New York Times list of 53 places to visit in ’08—32 spots behind Iran. Angry Goodman vows to ramp up rogue nuclear program.
8/ Casinos raked in $1.6 bil in October. “Luckily there’s no petition to tax gaming or anything,” chortles industry spokesman. “Whew!”