What to bring: Ladies Ladies, the Big Bag vs. Little Bag vs. It Bag squabble will rage on long and loud until someone finally invents a purse for all occasions. Until that glorious day arrives, carry on carrying whatever you like—the baguette that holds a tampon and a Tic Tac, the roomy "weekender" complete with change of clothes and a microdog, or the here-today-wrong-tomorrow designer showpiece tote that got a nod from Oprah this week. One thing is for sure, nightclub survival is based on your ability to pack in and pack out the essentials. Remember, ladies, it's a jungle in there.
Keys and ID: Without them you are destined to be turned away from a club and unable even to slink home until your roommate or suitemate decides to call it a night and let your sad ass back in so she can torture you with details about the tasty, uniformed military guys she had all to herself, the bitch.
Cash: Credit cards are great and take up less space than cash, but they may tempt you to make a 3 a.m. impulse-buy of that bottle of Grey Goose for your cubicle-mate to celebrate her new blond highlights. Trust us, cash will keep you honest. Also, ladies, just because you're hot (or think you are) doesn't mean you are exempt from tipping the hard-working hotel employees who will be keeping their mouths shut about that whole falling-off-the-barstool incident. At the bare minimum, your cocktail server, bartender and valet should benefit financially from your having read this.
Debit card: Granted, you will pay exorbitant transaction fees to get cash from a casino or a club's private bank, so let this serve as a harsh reminder of the aforementioned cash rule.
Breath mints: Get a little closer, ladies! Flirt, tease, titillate, and do your thang ... just don't do it without protection. A little mint or cinnamon refreshment will go a long way toward ensuring you get that guy's number tonight. And that guy's, and that one's ... But please don't be the gum-snapping cheerleader. No one wants to watch your used Trident settle to the bottom of your appletini, comprende?
Touch-up kit: Remember that Cosmo quiz you took in high school, "If you were stranded on a desert island with only three makeup items, yada yada?" You waited forever in line just to get to the bathroom door, so trips should be short and infrequent. Keep your dopp kit to just three bare essentials, whatever that means to you. Powder, lip-gloss and a mini-perfume atomizer make our top three. Note: you can usually find items like hairspray, cigarettes and emergency girly stuff in the restrooms of most clubs and ultralounges. Just remember to bring a few singles for tips. Digital camera: You spent all that time getting dressed and made up, you might as well document the festivities. And, as Vegas is the ultimate playground for the rich and famous, you never know whom you might snap a scorching blog pic with!
Earplugs: Random, we know, but not a bad idea if a megaclub or afterhours are on your agenda. You'll thank us in the morning, when you can still hear your alarm go off.
Cell phone: How else will you text your friends to tell them you got into VIP and they should not be expecting to see you the rest of the night? One caveat: If you are freshly broken-up or divorced, leave the phone home. Drunk dialing becomes no one.
Pen: Believe it or not, this afterthought can accomplish more than just capturing the digits of your hottie bartender. You can put your hair up, defend yourself or even sign a check and get out of Dodge before the sketchball on the barstool next to you returns from the men's room ... Business cards: You never know whom you're gonna meet! And handing someone your business card or a personal card can lead to jobs, dates, friendships and more!
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What to bring: Guys Gentlemen, you remember the Boy Scout credo, right? Always be prepared. Keep your keys in a pocket you won't be using much to avoid losing them, know exactly where your valet ticket is, and if you self-parked, text message the parking spot's location to your phone. You'll forget, we promise. Keep your wallet in working order and your cash handy. Nothing is worse than a guy who pulls out a billfold catastrophe and can't find his credit card amid his Blockbuster Rewards and Smith's cards.
Cell phone: Not only does it serve as an incredibly handy communications device for finding your friends in a crowded place, but holding your cell phone handset while in a nightclub is the tried-and-true method for getting out of most awkward situations. Is something that looks like it just crawled out of the swamp desperately trying to get you to buy it a martini? Uh oh, looks like your buddy just texted you that he is getting kicked out of the club! What a shame! Maybe next time, sweetie?
Listerine breath strips: You will be in a loud place, which means that talking to anyone will require very close mouth-to-ear contact. It's just the way things are. Save yourself the frustration of wondering if your breath smells like ass. Everyone around you will thank you. Business cards: As a general rule, if you give your business card to a member of the opposite sex, you will never hear from her again. If she wanted your number she would have programmed it in her cell phone already, as well as hers into your speed dial. But due to the fact that you're in Vegas and you never know whom you will meet, bring some cards to exchange for professional purposes.
Debit card/life savings: Unfortunately, Las Vegas nightclubs deeply frown on anything directly attached to a penis and therefore will charge anyone so afflicted huge sums for anything they do. If you plan on drinking, dancing, flirting or even breathing, expect to pay up.
Lighter: Whether you smoke or not, it can't hurt to have a little fire in your pocket. Even if you are completely against the nicotine habit, there are unfortunately plenty of beautiful women (at least for a couple more years, until their teeth turn that attractive shade of yellow) who still smoke. Having a light for a lady's ciggy before she asks for it is an easy way to show a little old-fashioned class. It's a great conversation starter. Just don't be an idiot and have it on the highest setting; relationships tend to go downhill fast when flaming hair is involved. An empty bladder: Lines aren't short, and, often, neither are the walks to the beer-disposal stations once you're inside. You probably did some pre-partying before hitting the clubs, so save yourself the embarrassing pee-pee dance by hitting the head before you queue up. Most clubs located inside casinos will have a bathroom right outside.
Small bills: They can be handy for the gentlemen's club later, too, but they are also useful in subtle tipping situations. You may look like a big baller with all your Benjamins, but you don't want to tip the bathroom attendant that much—unless, of course, you missed your mark, and then that isn't nearly enough.
Multivitamin: Okay, you don't necessarily have to bring it, and we hate to sound like your mother, but the only real way to keep your body functional during an eight-hour bender—let alone several in a row—is to pop some nutrients. Take one before you start drinking, and it will help you during the night, but more importantly, take one before bed. And since drinking is not always conducive to smart snack choices come 4 a.m., at least with a good multivitamin you can upsize on that Gordita with a tad less guilt.
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Yeah, prolly not a good idea A place for everything, and everything in its place. But not in a Vegas nightclub. Just as the dance floor is no place to break in your exquisite new shoes, the club is no place to bring something irreplaceable. We get it—you wanna flash some bling, which is fine! Just keep the real ice at home in your fridge. And take heed—these items can go, too.
Sunglasses: Celebrities have an excuse for this ridiculously stupid fashion trend. They are the subjects of hundreds of photos, and still most of them will remove their sunglasses at some point. But you? Nope. You're a trouper. You will stand in line for an hour or two, wind through the endless maze of velvet ropes into an even darker setting and still keep them on, even after you have run into walls, stepped on everyone's feet and peed on your shoe. In the best-case scenario, wearing sunglasses makes you appear unapproachable and uninformed. Unless you are at an early-morning afterhours event and the sun is threatening to appear at any moment, save yourself the embarrassment.
Bluetooth earpieces: Yes, yes, we see you. You are soooo important, waving your arms wildly, yelling to no one about the Saturday night traffic. It takes us a minute to see the little neon blue light gleaming from your ear before we realize that you are equipped with a veritable buffet of other equally obnoxious Bluetooth communications accessories, making you look more like a Klingon than a mover or shaker. But wearing a Bluetooth earpiece inside a nightclub adds one more obvious sign of stupidity to your overall appearance: Everyone knows there is no way in hell you could possibly hear or be heard by the person you are shouting at. Even the idiots wearing sunglasses are looking at you in disbelief. It might be a better idea to simply put your phone on vibrate and text your friends like the rest of us do.
Flatulence: Sure, you're in a crowded place so you can get away with it, but it's not funny.
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Gender-specific don't list: Ladies Ladies, you specifically should rethink:
Tears: You don't garner sympathy for crying in public, just laughter. Unfortunately, after you've had five cocktails, the memory of your ex-boyfriend/fiancé kissing your former best friend/maid of honor suddenly seems like good conversation, and the waterworks are usually turned on soon after. Suck it up—you are there to have a good time, and the weep-fest just makes you look silly. Plus it turns your eye makeup into face makeup, and you are never going to find a suitable rebound hook-up if your face looks like a ballpoint pen exploded on it.
Feminine stuff/kink: When skiers or snowboarders wipe out and scatter their hat, gloves and the entire contents of their pockets all over the mountain, it's called a yard sale. As you head out to the newest hot spot or the coziest lounge, consider the humbling mountainside yard sale and leave behind—or at least hide in a zippered side pocket—anything you, your date or perhaps your father would not want to see should your evening bag topple over on the table. Condoms, tampons, handcuffs and bullwhips should all be hidden or left at home.
Also consider leaving these items behind: lollipops, fuzzy boots/hat, ex-boyfriend, agitprop, pearl-handled pistol, mace, the pregnant friend, drugs, bucket of slot-machine winnings, flip-flops, shopping purchases, pets, children, bad attitude and emotional baggage.
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Gender-specific don't list: Guys
Gentlemen, please do not even think of bringing:
Convention badges: We know you like seeing your name printed boldly on something, and even more so when you can proudly display to the world that this accomplishment grants you "all access" to the 2007 Concrete Convention. But when it comes to wearing your convention badge into a nightclub, it is important to remember one very key thing: You look stupid. Even if you are the Western sales leader for the newly improved Jackhammer Extreme, there isn't one girl in the room who is going to beg you back to her place because she knows you are here with the convention. Cell phone clips: The fact that you even have your shirt tucked in enough that your cell phone clip is visible to the world is an entirely separate matter, but having anything clipped to your belt while in a nightclub is really only slightly better than rocking a three-for-$10 fake-leather fanny pack from a Downtown Las Vegas gift store. Just isn't a good idea.
Roofies: Not cool.
Furry pimp coats: Some really mean-spirited person dumped this load of crap onto the American public in the late '90s, and for some reason, there are still a lot of young and middle-aged men who come to Las Vegas and actually think they look like a pimp while wearing this obnoxious outfit. We don't care if you are attending your best friend's bachelor party, it's Halloween, you are going to the Pimp N' Ho Ball—or even if you are a legally certified, functioning pimp—please do not wear a bright red, purple or leopard-print faux fur coat on any nightlife excursion. (What you wear in the privacy of your street corner is none of our business.)
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In summary, you are what you bring. In a pimp coat, headset and with bad breath, you are persona non grata. Think before you drink, and make sure you have everything you need—and only what you need—to take on Vegas one nightclub at a time. Now get in there and make us proud!